I’ve reached the age of 40 without ever having a genuine orgasm during sex. Despite having three sexual partners and a 12-year marriage, the elusive peak of pleasure has remained just that—elusive. I kept thinking that it would eventually occur, perhaps spontaneously, with the right partner. My first boyfriend, who was older and experienced, tried hard but came up short. The frustration was palpable. I remember watching Don Juan DeMarco with him in 1995, and he remarked, “He makes it look so easy.” That night, we attempted to replicate that magic, but it just didn’t happen.
Sex has always been enjoyable for me; I get close to climax, but never quite cross that threshold. Ironically, when I’m alone, I can achieve orgasm in under a minute. Is that part of the issue? Perhaps my proficiency in self-pleasure has hindered my ability to navigate the complexities of sexual climax with a partner.
My second boyfriend was equally frustrated by my inability to orgasm. Our dynamic was less comfortable than my first, so we never openly discussed it. Eventually, I faked it, but it was an amateur performance, and we broke up shortly thereafter. I couldn’t bear the thought of pretending again.
Then came my husband, Jake. We’ve enjoyed a playful and honest sexual relationship, exploring various dimensions of intimacy together. Although I’ve never reached orgasm through intercourse, I still derive pleasure from our encounters. We’ve attempted to tackle the issue, but I explained that the pressure to “figure it out” made it harder to enjoy our time together. So, we found a compromise: I engage in masturbation while he’s involved, and that’s the closest we’ve come to a solution.
Here I am, 40 years old and feeling like a failure in the bedroom. For someone who champions feminism, it’s a tough pill to swallow. My pleasure is just as valid as my partner’s.
Why haven’t I fought for my own orgasm more vigorously? Why has it taken so long for me to feel outraged about this? This year, I’ve resolved that things will change. Jake is fully supportive, and I’m diving into research. We just need time to practice—though finding that time has proven to be a challenge.
No matter how long it takes, I’m committed to mastering my own sexual pleasure. I deserve to experience orgasm during sex just as much as Jake does. It’s time for me to take charge of my own pleasure.
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In summary, while I navigate my journey toward sexual fulfillment, I’m determined to advocate for my own pleasure, ensuring that my needs are met alongside my partner’s.