Have you seen that episode of Modern Family from February 2011? It felt like they had a front-row seat to my own marriage. Claire was furious because Phil wanted to rave about this amazing new salad he had discovered from a friend, while Claire had been extolling the virtues of the wedge salad for ages. Phil was utterly baffled, trying to understand her frustration, but with so many possible triggers throughout the day, he just couldn’t pinpoint it.
It resonates with me because I’ve often grappled with feeling that my husband, Jake, either isn’t hearing me or doesn’t value my opinions until they’re echoed by someone else. It became such a common occurrence in our relationship that my sister and I even joked about it. When Jake and I were on the hunt for our first couch, for instance, my sister quipped, “Just pick the one you like and have Ben give it a thumbs-up.” Ben, a mutual friend, somehow became the definitive voice of taste for Jake, even if my sister and I said the exact same thing. Be it a new eatery, a Bible study group, a TV series, or a home renovation idea, Jake always appreciated hearing Ben’s endorsement first.
I recall coming across an exciting family activity called geocaching, which involves hiking to find hidden treasures using clues. I brought it up to Jake multiple times, but it was like talking to a wall. Did he even hear me? To emphasize, I left some magazines about geocaching on his desk with “Read Me!” boldly marked in Sharpie.
Months later, Jake was thrilled to share that he had just heard about geocaching! In a heartbeat, he gathered up a fanny pack, a portable GPS, the kids, and our dog. Team Adventure was off into the woods! I’m not sure what sparked his interest (Ben had moved away years ago), but I doubt he thought it was my idea. He embraced geocaching with enthusiasm, and it turned into a fantastic way for him to bond with the kids outdoors—just as I had envisioned.
You might think I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of nonsense in my marriage. Shouldn’t Jake listen the first (or fourth) time I bring something up, whether it’s painting the living room or planning a vacation? I understand your frustration. But marriage often involves navigating irritations without wanting to strangle each other. It’s a dance—a long, winding dance with plenty of chances to compromise.
I’ve judged other couples when their relationships looked different from mine, only to realize that their dance is simply different. For example, I once heard of friends who would hide new purchases from their husbands to avoid admitting they had been shopping. I vowed I would never endure a spouse scrutinizing my spending habits, yet I later discovered that even though financial transparency wasn’t a major issue for us, we had our own set of challenges.
We share similar values when it comes to finances, parenting, and our commitment to faith and integrity. However, we also have significant differences. Jake is active, while I cherish my sleep. He loves to be doing, while I prefer just being. He processes decisions slowly, whereas I tend to be decisive. We even have opposing political views!
Over time, I’ve learned that waiting for Jake’s enthusiastic response about home projects or family trips could take an eternity. In the past, I’d get frustrated and give up on my ideas, hoping someone like Ben would provide a comforting approval. Now, I know Jake’s perspective will differ around 80 percent of the time. Even when we both aim to tackle the bushes, trust me, we will not agree on which ones!
As I’ve matured (and crossed into my 40s), I’ve learned to initiate plans and allow Jake the time to warm up to them. I present him with narrowed choices, so he can weigh in without becoming overwhelmed by options. He does the same for me regarding investments and remote controls. I also strive to be very clear about my needs, whether it’s urgently stopping at a rest area (“I can’t wait—I need to go NOW!”) or advocating for a puppy for our daughter (“It’s time, buddy”). When it came to adopting our dogs, Max and Bella, I found them, then gave Jake’s mind and heart time to catch up. It didn’t take long. It’s a dance, after all, and with all the missteps and squished toes, it’s helpful to remember that Jake has some fantastic qualities, and I’m not always the easiest person to live with either.
P.S. I think wedge salad will be on the dinner menu tonight.
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Summary
This piece explores the dynamics of a marriage where one partner’s ideas often gain traction only after being validated by a third party. Through relatable anecdotes, it highlights the importance of patience, communication, and understanding in navigating the complexities of a long-term relationship.