“Are you always this loud?”
“I feel like you’re being aggressive.”
“You are out of control.”
“You need to tone it down.”
“I just don’t think that’s very feminine.”
“You seem unfriendly.”
I’ve heard it all. I’m too loud, too enthusiastic, too assertive, too intense, too emotional. The reality is that I embody many of these traits, but I’m not actually “too” much of any of them.
The issue for some lies in the fact that I am a woman who communicates directly. I don’t shy away from expressing my thoughts and feelings; I don’t start every statement with “I’m sorry, but…” or “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but….” I’m not rude or unkind; I simply refuse to dance around the truth to appear more agreeable or sweet. The patriarchy can take a hike.
I’ve been told countless times that I “talk like a man,” and it’s not about my occasional use of strong language—it’s about my ability to convey what I need to say when it needs to be said. I ensure my opinions and feelings are known. I don’t coerce anyone into conversation, but I also won’t remain silent when I feel wronged or deserve better.
If I want a raise, I ask for it. If someone hurts me, I’ll explain how and why, so we can resolve it and move forward. Since when is being honest and straightforward considered a “male” trait? I don’t associate these qualities with gender, but it seems that when a woman exhibits them, she’s labeled “bitchy” or “pushy.” Sure, I can be those things—just like anyone else—especially when faced with negative stereotypes, but that doesn’t define me more than it does any other flawed human.
I’m not too bold, loud, or assertive. I’m simply passionate. Passionate about everything from raising my incredible kids to advocating for social justice, discovering amazing literature, and finding the best coffee on the West Coast (shoutout to Stumptown). I care deeply about intersectionality, feminism, equal rights, and paid parental leave. (The patriarchy definitely doesn’t like women who are passionate because they get things done.)
Since childhood, I’ve been told to “calm down” or “relax.” It took me a long time to realize those weren’t my burdens to carry. I used to feel self-conscious about my loud voice or my awkward laugh, but as an adult, I recognized that those traits help me achieve my goals and make me stand out in a crowd (figuratively and literally). And you know what? I genuinely love making people laugh. I’m not overly energetic; I’m clever and sarcastic. I’m not too loud; I am bold and courageous.
And I absolutely do not need to calm down, nor should anyone suggest that to me. Pursuing your passions means embracing your intensity. I refuse to let anyone condescend to me about qualities I proudly own. If you tell me to calm down with an air of superiority, I won’t shrink away. I’ll stand my ground—I communicate “like a man,” remember? I can’t keep calm while dismantling the patriarchy, so changing for anyone isn’t an option nor a desire. This is my authentic self.
The stereotype of women as “crazy” or overly emotional is an age-old narrative. When women express anger, sadness, or frustration, society often seeks to silence us by labeling us as “hysterical.” We must stop allowing that to happen! Yes, we may be emotional, but there’s a great deal to be emotional about in today’s world. The world is both harsh and beautiful, and there’s much work ahead to create a better future for our children.
So, as we work to dismantle the patriarchy, we will express our emotions. It’s healthy, it’s liberating, and there’s no shame in it. I refuse to bottle up my feelings to appear more composed. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really don’t care what anyone thinks about it. If that’s “too much” for you, then feel free to exit or hit the unfollow button.
If you resonate with any of this, know that you are absolutely not “too much” of anything. Don’t let your partners, friends, family, or coworkers hold you back. Society may try to convince you that you’re an outsider, but you’re only on the rise to being your true self, demanding progress, and declaring “no more.” Don’t let the patriarchy bring you down. Stay passionate. Stay vocal. Keep pushing forward. The world needs your voice now more than ever.
Solidarity.
This article was originally published on April 18, 2023.
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Summary
In a world where women are often told they are “too much,” it’s vital to embrace your authentic self. Direct communication, passion, and emotional expression are strengths, not weaknesses. Reject labels like “bitchy” or “crazy,” and instead, own your voice and your feelings. Society may try to silence you, but remember, you are not alone. Stand firm in your beliefs, pursue your passions, and never let anyone diminish your worth.