My partner and I tied the knot quite young, at just twenty-one. We were both aware that we weren’t ready for children right away. Dealing with PCOS added another layer of complexity, but we welcomed our first child just two weeks before I turned twenty-eight. We had plans for two more kids, but I also didn’t want to have them back-to-back. With that in mind, I thought I had seven years to add to our family, since “everyone knows” that you should have all your children before hitting thirty-five, right?
Who hasn’t heard the horror stories about how fertility supposedly drops drastically after thirty-five? Many of us have that one well-meaning relative who insists we won’t have the energy to care for children if we don’t start having them in our twenties or early thirties. As I was building my family, the age thirty-five felt like an ominous deadline, making the entire journey more stressful than it needed to be.
I had my second child at thirty-one, but then life threw some curveballs. My PCOS became more problematic, I faced a heartbreaking miscarriage, and I had a health scare that thankfully turned out to be nothing serious. I even lost one of my fallopian tubes. By the time I turned thirty-four, we were still no closer to having our last child, and the odds felt stacked against us. Approaching thirty-five seemed like the end of the line, right?
As fate would have it, I found myself pregnant that spring, and our final child arrived just a month and a half after my thirty-fifth birthday. Several times, when I mentioned my age to medical professionals, they would respond with comments like, “Oh, right on time!” Upon learning I was pregnant, one of my aunts remarked, “This is it, right? I mean, you’re almost thirty-five!”
The arrival of my youngest has imparted a valuable lesson: Forget the thirty-five deadline, and disregard anyone who implies you can’t have a healthy, joyful pregnancy in your late thirties. I now regret spending even a moment worrying about what it would be like to be a mom over forty when my youngest started kindergarten. I can’t believe I let myself doubt my energy or stamina to care for a baby if I waited until my mid-thirties or beyond. That was all nonsense. In fact, I genuinely believe I’m a better mom to my youngest because of the life experience I’ve gained, my partner and I are more financially stable, and I’ve let go of the need to prove anything to anyone.
If I wanted to (and hadn’t opted for a permanent solution during my last C-section), I could potentially have more kids for years to come and would have the energy and capability to raise them well. My mid-thirties child is lacking nothing that her older sibling received, except perhaps the overwhelming anxiety that often accompanies new motherhood. If we had wanted a fourth child, I would have been more than capable of making that happen, even now at almost thirty-seven.
Anyone who has reached this milestone understands that thirty-five isn’t as ancient as it seems when you’re twenty-five. It’s still relatively young. Many of us are still figuring out our life paths by thirty-five. Some of us work tirelessly from high school through our thirties to secure the careers we dreamed of. Others may not have a suitable partner in their twenties or prefer to wait until they’ve built a stable life before welcoming a child.
There are countless reasons to have children after thirty-five, and none of them need justification to anyone else. It’s great if you chose to have your kids early. My close friend, for instance, had her first child at twenty and was pregnant with her second shortly after my wedding. She has a graduating senior and a freshman this year, while I have a third grader, a kindergartener, and a toddler. We’re on completely different schedules, and neither of us feels judged or regretful.
And that’s the key point. She doesn’t look at my youngest and say anything rude like, “How do you manage? I could never keep up with a baby at this stage in my life! I’m glad I got it over with early!” She understands that she’s not too old, tired, or incapable of having a child right now; it simply wasn’t the life she chose.
There’s no moral superiority in completing your family before age thirty-five. Celebrities like Anna Kendrick, Robert Pattinson, Chrissy Teigen, Ruby Rose, and Lady Gaga are all thirty-five, and we’re not exactly rushing them off to a retirement home.
I will admit that my pregnancy at thirty-five was a bit more challenging than the previous ones, but I also had two other kids to care for. Who knows if my age really had anything to do with it? After all, I had seven years of sleep deprivation already.
Of course, we all have to acknowledge biology. Fertility does begin to decline in our mid-thirties, but it’s not like your body suddenly stops working properly. There’s no magical moment when your body transitions from capable to incapable just because you hit thirty-five. Many people have healthy pregnancies well into their forties.
It’s crucial to understand how age can affect your journey and consult with your healthcare provider to stay informed about your fertility goals, but there’s no reason to view thirty-five as a hard deadline. Nor should we allow others to treat us as if it is.
Thirty-five is not “too old” to become a fantastic parent. Each person should assess their own health and fertility with their doctor and evaluate any risks based on personal history. What might apply to one individual doesn’t necessarily apply to another. Thanks to modern science, there are numerous avenues available to help with family planning.
So let’s finally put this ridiculous notion of a time limit to rest.
This article originally appeared on June 11, 2021.
Summary
This article discusses the societal pressures surrounding having children before the age of thirty-five. The author shares her personal experiences with fertility and motherhood, debunking the myth that thirty-five is “too old” to have kids. She stresses the importance of individual circumstances and choices, encouraging others to dismiss outdated timelines and societal expectations regarding parenthood.
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