Recently, I found myself addressing my 12-year-old son, Alex, after he got into trouble during his gardening class. He and a friend had wandered off and were caught using one of the school rakes to hit random trees, trying to break it. To make matters worse, his mother—who teaches that very class—was the one who had to deal with the fallout.
While this incident might not rank as the most serious offense in a junior high schooler’s repertoire, it was undoubtedly embarrassing for my wife to have her own child brought to her by the principal. After expressing my disappointment and suggesting that his mother might have had a few choice words for him, I wrapped up the lecture by reminding him, “I still love you, despite what happened.”
This wasn’t the first time one of my children has faced consequences, followed by an affirmation of love. The phrase “I love you” is a constant in our household. I make it a point to say it whenever I leave for work, when I return home, and at bedtime. In my 12 years as a father, I honestly can’t recall a day without expressing my love for my children. I wonder if you can ever say it too much, but one thing I know for sure is that it wasn’t something I heard often growing up.
I suspect my upbringing contributed to that gap. My father struggled with addiction and spent time in jail, while my mother faced challenges as a single parent. But when I turned 14, I moved in with my grandmother. She made it a habit to say “I love you” multiple times a day, even during difficult conversations. No matter how I performed or what I did, her love was a steadfast guarantee.
During high school, I didn’t think much of her constant reassurances. Admittedly, I felt a bit awkward when she voiced her love in front of my friends. However, looking back, the unwavering certainty of her love stands out. In stark contrast to the mixed signals I received from my parents, my grandmother’s affection was like a refreshing oasis that I now strive to provide my own children.
And so, I express my love frequently. Whether I’m upset with them, delighted, or simply saying goodbye, I want my children to know that my love is unconditional and unwavering. It’s not contingent on their behavior or achievements; it’s the bedrock of our relationship. It serves as their safety net, their parachute, making for a softer landing in life.
This doesn’t mean I shy away from addressing their shortcomings. I’m still firm with them when they mess up or fail to meet expectations. My love doesn’t blind me to their behavior; it’s merely a promise that I will always be there for them, through both the highs and lows. Sometimes, it means giving tough love, and other times, it means simply comforting them when they stumble.
Returning to my earlier encounter with Alex, after I scolded him for his antics, he looked up at me and responded, “I love you too, Dad.” In that moment, it felt as though he was acknowledging that my actions stemmed from a place of love. Our relationship has taken time to develop, but I’m certain we wouldn’t be as close if I hadn’t made it a priority to assure him of my love.
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In summary, expressing love to your children daily can create a strong foundation for their emotional well-being. It reassures them that they are valued unconditionally, which can significantly influence their growth and self-esteem.