My youngest son, now in 8th grade, recently resumed attending school two days a week. This new routine has been beneficial for him, helping him emerge from a typical 14-year-old funk, and I couldn’t be happier.
Last Monday, he asked to stay after school to assist his science teacher with preparations for his English teacher’s birthday celebration. Immediately, I felt a twinge of skepticism. After all, I discovered a few joints in his room last year, which he attributed to a friend—the same friend he was previously caught throwing food with in the cafeteria.
I don’t blame his friend for these incidents; my son is old enough to make his own choices and understands right from wrong. He’s well aware of the power of “no” since he uses it on me all the time.
Despite being out of trouble during a year of virtual learning, I still sensed something was off. So, I told him he could stay, provided I checked with his teacher first. Thankfully, his teacher confirmed that my son would indeed be staying after school, easing my concerns.
When I relayed the good news, my son admitted he anticipated my check-up, assuring me he wouldn’t lie to me.
I’m sharing this not because my son is perfect—believe me, he’s not—but because I’ve learned (often the hard way) the importance of setting boundaries when my kids break the rules and my trust. My youngest has finally grasped this concept, though he’s still likely to test those boundaries again.
In my attempts to be the “cool” parent, I’ve often granted my kids second chances too quickly, resulting in disappointment. My eldest had a friend with whom he frequently got into trouble for smoking pot, yet I still gave him multiple chances. My daughter went through a phase where her behavior was disrespectful, but I would reward her with gifts or privileges when her mood shifted, which only worsened her attitude.
This is how it goes when boundaries are not established—the behavior will escalate. Teenagers, mine included, will push the limits if they sense they can get away with it. As parents, we are responsible for teaching our children how to respect us.
I understand that teens can be moody and have their own struggles, but I can still show empathy while maintaining self-respect and a strong relationship with clear boundaries and consequences.
When they are acting out, I engage them, asking what’s bothering them while making it clear that I won’t be a punching bag. If they don’t follow curfew or lie about their whereabouts, I take away privileges like their phones or social time. I’ve learned that checking in on them after they’ve regained some freedom doesn’t make me overbearing; it reinforces that trust needs to be earned back. Without these checks, I know they would slip back into secretive behaviors.
My experience is rooted in how my own mother overlooked our misdeeds as teens, which led to a loss of respect and a free-for-all environment.
Establishing boundaries also saves my time. For instance, when I go to pick them up from their father’s, they are expected to be ready without making me wait. A friend of mine faces a similar struggle with her daughter, who frequently makes her mother wait in the driveway for over half an hour.
If my kids request something special from the store and it gets wasted, they learn that I won’t buy it for them again.
There’s a balance to strike. Everyone has off days, and I don’t want my home to feel like a boot camp. Yet, after parenting three teenagers, I’ve realized that without consistent boundaries, they will exploit any leniency, complicating our lives.
Remember, this is all part of teaching them how to treat others. It might not be enjoyable now, but it’s crucial; without boundaries, they will struggle when they’re on their own. I’d rather have them resent me now than face the consequences later.
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Summary
Establishing boundaries is vital in parenting teenagers. Without clear rules, teens may exploit leniency, leading to behavioral issues. As a parent, it’s essential to strike a balance between empathy and authority to foster respect and teach them how to treat others appropriately.