This time of year is truly my favorite. I adore every aspect of the holidays, and on the best days, I feel most like myself amidst the aroma of freshly baked cookies and the glow of festive lights. The joy I find in baking, decorating, and indulging in holiday movies around the clock keeps me counting down the days until I can experience it all over again. Just last year, after we packed away our Christmas decorations, I began to feel a wave of sadness. I attempted to reassure my kids, saying, “Before we know it, February will be here. I start my holiday preparations around Halloween, so technically, I only have to wait nine months!” My youngest reached out to hug me, and it was clear it was out of sympathy.
However, my enthusiasm for holiday cheer doesn’t mean my anxiety takes a backseat. In fact, I’ve noticed that it often intensifies during this season. I first realized this about two decades ago while showering, when I nearly had a panic attack over the thought of finding time to buy gifts for everyone, host a cookie exchange, plan a craft night, purchase decorations, and prepare Christmas dinner. I wanted to do it all, yet my mind was in a constant whirlwind of worry about how I would pull it off financially and logistically.
I found myself waking up early and racing through my days to complete tasks. My weekends vanished into a haze of obligations, leaving me irritable and focused solely on checking items off my to-do list. My then-fiancé pointed out, with a tone that suggested he was used to this, that I was ruining the holiday spirit. I insisted I was just excited, which was why I struggled to sleep, but he replied, “This isn’t excitement; it’s anxiety.” He had a point.
My heart raced, and I couldn’t settle into the enjoyment I craved. It always felt like I was moving on to the next obligation, accompanied by a hefty side of worry, characteristic of high-functioning anxiety. This pressure to accomplish everything perfectly can leave you feeling depleted, and before you know it, the holiday season has passed, leaving you with a lingering sense of exhaustion.
Experiencing high-functioning anxiety during the holidays often creates a false sense of urgency to do everything because there’s just so much to get done. You want to share the joy with yourself and others, thinking it’s all within reach. You might sit down for a cozy family movie night in matching pajamas and suddenly remember you haven’t baked your neighbor’s favorite cookies yet. The expectations you place on yourself can be overwhelming, making you feel like a failure if you can’t keep up.
When you aim for relaxation, it’s hard to achieve it. Frustration arises when family members don’t decorate the tree as you envisioned, can’t agree on the Christmas dinner menu, or mess with the candle arrangements. You feel a strong need for everything to be flawless, and the weight of that responsibility can be suffocating.
Reflecting on my childhood, my mother was often tightly wound during the holidays, and it made the season less enjoyable for everyone. I’ve kept this memory close as a reminder not to let stress overshadow the magic of the holidays. Yes, I thrive on doing a lot during this time of year, but I also grapple with anxiety. It’s a delicate balance between pursuing festive activities out of fear of missing out and genuinely wanting to enjoy the season and share that joy with others.
My partner was right all those years ago; what I perceived as excitement often masked deeper feelings of anxiety. Many people struggle to realize that it’s okay to take a step back, rather than feeling compelled to manufacture every moment. I continue to work on this every year; it’s a constant internal battle, and it likely always will be. But acknowledging this reality is crucial, especially for those of us who face high-functioning anxiety.
As we navigate through the holiday season, it’s essential to forgive ourselves when we don’t achieve that perfect balance and perhaps even let go of the need to try so hard.
For more insight on managing holiday stress and anxiety, check out this informative blog post here.
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Summary:
The holiday season can be a source of joy but also anxiety for those who strive for perfection. This article explores the challenges faced by “holiday perfectionists” who often experience high-functioning anxiety, leading to overwhelming pressure to meet expectations. Reflecting on personal experiences, the author highlights the importance of recognizing anxiety, seeking balance, and allowing oneself to enjoy the festivities without the weight of perfectionism.