Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: Jan. 15, 2016
I always anticipated that this moment would arrive, as friends who had navigated the same path warned me. “One day, he’s going to ask.” “She’ll definitely have questions.” “Make sure your story is consistent.” You need to be ready, or you’ll find yourself unprepared when your children inquire about the details of sex. And then, in the dim light of my car after a family dinner, it happened: my son and I had a significant conversation.
The evening began innocently. After a family event, my husband and I decided to treat the kids to dinner at one of our favorite spots (where we could sip martinis while the kids indulged in fried foods and dessert). We enjoyed each other’s company, chatted with friends who were also dining there, and exchanged jokes with our favorite bartender. It was a perfect scene: cozy sweaters, lively ambiance, and a family sharing smiles. Little did I know that my son had a plethora of questions waiting to be answered, and he had chosen the car ride home as the venue for this important discussion.
Since we had driven separately, my son chose to ride home with me. In hindsight, I should have recognized that as a sign—though I wasn’t sure what it foreshadowed. Just moments after we pulled away from the curb, he dropped a bombshell: there had been a sexting scandal at school, and it was bothering him.
Let me clarify: my 12-year-old son was distressed over a sexting incident. Twelve! He hadn’t even hit his teenage years yet. Thankfully, he wasn’t involved, but he was concerned about the fallout for those affected and the broader implications of such behavior. He had questions about what he should do if he received inappropriate texts and why kids would engage in such actions. Weighty subjects were on his mind, and he wanted to discuss them with me—while I was navigating a car, in the dark, without my husband as a safety net.
I won’t sugarcoat it; I felt completely unprepared, and honestly, the deer we encountered on the road seemed less startled than I was by my son’s inquiries. However, I made the conscious decision to keep driving, opting for the longest route home because my tween was engaging in an open dialogue about sex. I didn’t know if this opportunity would arise again. Whether it was the secluded country roads or the fact that we weren’t face-to-face, something allowed him to open up, and I was grateful.
As we shifted away from the sexting topic, he hesitantly said, “I have one more question,” and his tone signaled that I needed to brace myself. “What’s that, bud?” I replied. “Well, some of the boys talk about this thing that involves blowing. And work. Blow work, is it? Something like a job that involves blowing. I don’t know what that means. Can you explain?”
There I was, driving a car and being asked about a specific sexual act by my 12-year-old. In the fleeting seconds following his question, I debated: Should I tell him? Brush it aside as something for adults? Pull over and call my husband for backup? I genuinely didn’t know what to do, and as I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, I made a decision. I chose to be honest. Just like they teach in sex education, I answered him directly. In that moment, it was my son who looked bewildered.
As the reality of my answer dawned on him, I realized these moments with tweens are precious and fleeting. I took it further: I explained that a committed relationship is a two-way street and intimacy should be mutually enjoyable. If he finds himself alone with a girl, it’s essential that both partners feel satisfied—never should he expect a girl to please him alone.
I emphasized that if you receive pleasure, you should reciprocate. Because no future daughter-in-law of mine should wonder why her husband is selfish in the bedroom. Based on the horrified expressions of my friends when I shared this story, it seems I might be in the minority when it comes to discussing sex openly with children. Some have accused me of endorsing premarital sex, while others believe I crossed a line by explaining a specific act to my child. I’ve been told that I’m inviting trouble by emphasizing the importance of considering a girlfriend’s needs as well. Most of my friends have laughed at the visual of me driving while tackling the topic of intimate acts.
Yet, despite the judgment and shock, I stand by my choice to be straightforward with my son. I believe that by being honest, I’ve laid the groundwork for him to return with more questions and seek sound advice from both his father and me. He confided in me, and it was only fair that I reciprocated with honesty. After all, if you understand something, you should share it.
This article was originally published on Jan. 15, 2016.
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Summary
Navigating conversations about sex with children can be daunting, but honesty is key. When faced with difficult questions, it’s essential to respond with clarity and openness. Establishing a two-way dialogue sets the stage for future discussions and fosters trust.