Tickling may not be the innocent joy we often think it is.
I was chatting with my friend Sarah when I heard her 9-month-old son Leo squealing in delight in the background. “Oh dear!” I said. “Is Leo alright?” “He’s not upset! He’s laughing!” Sarah responded. “Tom’s playing Tickle Monster with him.” My heart sank at the mention of Tickle Monster. “Are you sure he’s enjoying that?” I asked cautiously. “Definitely! What’s wrong with a little tickling?” she replied, her tone implying I better have a good reason for my concern.
“Well,” I began, “just because a baby laughs doesn’t mean…” “Are you joking? He loves it!” she interrupted, before hastily saying she had to go. Click. My stomach churned; I regretted saying anything, yet I couldn’t just stand by. How can you tickle a defenseless baby?
Like many, Sarah and Tom interpreted Leo’s giggles as genuine joy, but that’s the tricky nature of tickling. It elicits laughter and other physical reactions similar to those of genuine amusement, which can mask discomfort or distress. Richard Alexander, an evolutionary biologist, notes that “ticklish laughter isn’t the joyful reaction many assume it to be… A child can quickly shift from laughter to tears with just a little too much.”
In various cultures throughout history, tickling was even used as a form of punishment. For example, during the Han Dynasty, tickle torture was favored for its ability to inflict pain without leaving marks. Ancient Rome also employed tickling as a form of torture, and modern accounts reveal it has been used in cruel ways throughout history. Yet, today, it seems many have overlooked the potential harm of tickling.
People have shared their haunting childhood memories with me:
- “Being tickled made me feel out of control and gasping for breath.”
- “My mom would tickle me despite my pleas to stop, which left me feeling powerless.”
- “I enjoyed it up to a point, but then I’d panic when others ignored my clear signals to stop.”
- “When I was 13, I finally fought back against my dad’s relentless tickling, breaking his finger to make him stop.”
I often wonder if parents truly misinterpret their children’s laughter or if they choose to ignore their pleas. It seems we sometimes view tickling as a fun way to lighten the mood or connect with our kids.
During one playdate, I observed my daughter and her friends coloring intently. A dad entered the room and sneakily tickled his daughter from behind. She grimaced, clearly focused on her task. “Stop it!” she protested. “Relax!” he replied, oblivious to her discomfort. He seemed to be searching for a joyful reaction, while she was simply annoyed by the interruption.
It’s essential to recognize that tickling can also be a tactic used by predators to groom children. Psychotherapist Laura Simmons highlights how offenders often employ tickling as part of their strategies to gain trust and disarm defenses. While not every adult who tickles intends harm, it’s an example of how boundaries can be tested. By respecting a child’s “No” or “Stop!” we reinforce their autonomy over their bodies, a lesson that will benefit them throughout their lives.
As renowned psychologist Alice Miller stated, “When children grow up knowing their boundaries are respected, they are more likely to recognize and resist disrespect later in life.”
So, does that mean tickling is off-limits? Not necessarily! Many children enjoy it, but it’s crucial to approach it thoughtfully. Here are some guidelines:
- Avoid tickling very young children who can’t communicate.
- Always ask before tickling; it can still be playful.
- Establish a signal for “Stop” if they’re unable to voice it amidst laughter.
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In summary, while tickling can be a source of joy for some, it’s imperative to listen to your child’s cues and respect their boundaries. This not only fosters a trusting relationship but also equips them with the knowledge that they have autonomy over their bodies.