Welcome to our fully funded, 24-hour helpline designed to assist you with every aspect of your pregnancy journey. Before we connect you with a representative, let’s navigate our automated menu to better understand your needs. First things first—do you really want to have this baby? Let’s face it, pregnancies can be a real hassle, right?
To begin, press 1 if you wish to terminate this pregnancy in a completely painless and private way—no questions asked. Your body, your choice! Nobody should expect you to endure a year of discomfort, deliver a baby through an intense experience, and then raise a child unless you’re thoroughly prepared for it.
However, if you decide to keep the baby, we want to remind you, in a nonjudgmental way, that there are some government benefits available to you. You are entitled to eight weeks of paid bed rest leading up to the arrival of your little one, followed by seven months of paid parental leave. During this time, you’ll receive weekly meal deliveries, visits from caring nannies, and professional massage therapists to help you recover and find your balance again.
After your parental leave, you’ll have guaranteed access to one of the countless high-quality, government-subsidized daycare centers located conveniently across the country. Here, nurturing teachers will help facilitate bonding and breastfeeding.
Included in your pregnancy package is a year’s supply of side effect-free birth control that tastes like your favorite treats and promises amazing perks—again, all at no cost to you.
If you’re unsure about your decision, please press 1 for a painless and private abortion option. We’re even testing a new system where, by simply clicking your heels together three times and saying, “There’s no place like autonomy over my own body,” you can initiate the process. While we’re still ironing out some bugs, we also offer convenient supplies like abortion-themed lollipops and discreet delivery options, all completely free and covered by all insurance plans globally.
Press 2 if you prefer to talk about your options with a physician, but be warned: the nearest doctor may hold personal beliefs that interfere with your care. If that happens, our Men’s Body Support team will step in to ensure you receive the medical attention you deserve.
Press 3 if you’ve decided to embrace this life-changing journey but can’t wait for bed rest to start. You’ll receive 75% of your salary along with home visits from healthcare professionals, cookie deliveries, and foot massages.
Press 4 for details about our executive leadership program, which assures you’ll keep your job at 75% pay during your leave and offers opportunities for advancement based on the invaluable skills you develop through this experience.
Press 5 if you’re experiencing back pain, and our specialist will be dispatched to assist you.
Press 6 for free deliveries of vitamins, healthy meals, and smoothies to ensure both you and your baby are well-nourished.
Press 7 for a sweet treat, because we understand that cravings happen and indulging is part of the journey. Recent guidelines even encourage you to embrace any weight gain as a badge of honor—you’re creating life, after all!
Should you wish to resume fitness activities, press 8 for information about our federally funded personal trainers ready to help you when you’re ready. Remember, it’s all about being gentle and kind to yourself.
Lastly, press 9 for ramen.
For more on your journey towards parenthood, check out this insightful post on couples’ fertility journeys. And if you’re seeking authoritative guidance, visit this resource for expert advice. Also, consider this excellent guide for all things related to pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, if men were the ones navigating reproductive rights, the experiences and available support would reflect their needs and choices, ensuring a comprehensive and respectful approach to pregnancy and parenthood.