Let’s face it: there’s a preferred method for doing laundry, but as long as the clothes come out clean, who’s to say it’s wrong? I tend to fold laundry in a systematic way, while my partner, Alex, has a different approach. However, I’m learning to keep my opinions to myself because you know what’s worse than a less-than-perfectly folded shirt? Doing the laundry myself.
Recently, after Alex returned from grocery shopping—now a bi-weekly affair during these pandemic times—I found myself making suggestions about how to handle the shopping. Then it hit me: when your partner is braving the grocery store in protective gear for your family, it’s not the time to mention that we don’t need five boxes of cereal or that the kids despise that brand of peanut butter. (Alex is quite capable of tackling the grocery list without my input, anyway.)
I’m discovering that if I want Alex to actively participate in household chores and the emotional labor of family life, I need to refrain from criticizing and nitpicking. (I say “discovering” because old habits are hard to break.)
This realization is mutual. Alex enjoys cooking—and does it exceptionally well—so whenever I prepare dinner, he’s always respectful, never pointing out that the casserole was left in the oven too long or that the vegetables might be a little mushy. Why? Because he understands that being critical would only lead to a dinner menu filled with cereal and toast for days.
The objective is to share household responsibilities fairly. Yet, the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ 2018 American Time Use Survey indicates that women in heterosexual partnerships spend nearly 50% more time on household and childcare tasks than their male counterparts.
It’s crucial to understand that chore equity doesn’t equate to equality. “Equity means that you perceive the division of labor as being fair,” explains social scientist Jamie Harper from the University of Alberta. “People have varying responsibilities, so the question becomes: How do they find a balance they both agree on? It doesn’t need to be exactly 50-50.”
There’s no need for a meticulous chore chart, and trust me when I say that keeping score only breeds resentment. It’s rare for contributions to be perfectly balanced all the time. For instance, Alex excels at helping our kids with schoolwork, while I’m better at loading the dishwasher. He finds joy in grocery shopping and cooking, while I dread both tasks. I prefer to tidy up and make the bed early in the day, so those are my responsibilities. We both dislike home improvement projects, so we either hire help or tackle them together, as shared misery can be bonding.
To achieve chore equity, it’s vital to avoid constant criticism, unrealistic expectations, and the desire for everything to be done “your way.” This doesn’t mean you should accept subpar efforts; rather, it’s essential to recognize that there are multiple ways to accomplish tasks. As long as you agree on the overarching goals for your family, it’s easier to let go of the small stuff. So, do yourself a favor: don’t—seriously, don’t—criticize your partner for their folding technique.
Stop micromanaging. Stop whining. Stop nitpicking and suggesting improvements. Your partner is an adult, someone you chose to partner with in the journey of family life, so let them act like one. They’re not a child needing instruction; that undermines both of you. Instead, take a step back, hold your tongue, and allow your partner to be the capable adult they are.
I’m still on this learning curve, reminding myself to keep quiet when I might have done something differently. In return, I’m relishing the freedom (and extra time) that comes from not having to handle everything myself. Chore equity really does feel fantastic—even better than towels folded in the “right” way.
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In summary, fostering chore equity in a relationship involves letting go of micromanagement and embracing your partner’s unique approach to shared responsibilities. It’s about understanding that there are many ways to achieve the same goal and that both partners should feel equally invested in running the household.