During my junior high years, I hit puberty ahead of my peers, and my body transformed seemingly overnight. Family members would exclaim, “Is that really you, Emily?” while poking at the flesh on my upper arms or thighs. I experienced constant hunger. While everyone else seemed to remain the same size and eat less, my appetite felt insatiable. Yet, I was content.
Between my sophomore and junior years, I decided to start exercising more. I became stronger and more toned, but my adolescent mindset deemed it insufficient. I then resorted to counting calories and reducing carbs. For a time, things seemed manageable; I made healthier choices without completely cutting out food groups.
However, the moment I began weighing myself, the real issues emerged. I allowed the number on the scale to dictate my self-esteem. Rather than concentrating on how I felt, I fixated on achieving a specific size, berating myself for my weight. My journey toward a healthier lifestyle devolved into compulsive behaviors.
I quickly became fixated on calorie counting, memorizing the caloric content of all my favorite foods within a month. I believed that to be healthy, I had to make the “right” choices constantly, never miss a workout, and avoid indulging or eating until I was satisfied. I labeled my habits as “healthy,” but this level of strictness was far from beneficial, both physically and mentally.
Despite my disdain for calorie counting, I found it impossible to quit. In class, I would repeatedly calculate the calories of what I had consumed that day. This behavior spiraled into self-hatred, as I called myself “weak” and chastised myself for enjoying food. My health declined; I stopped menstruating, my hair began to fall out, and I frequently dozed off during classes.
It became evident that I was grappling with an eating disorder. My obsession with being “healthy” left me in the most unhealthy state I had ever been in. I prioritized calorie counting and food restrictions over my well-being, and I was utterly miserable. This fixation consumed my thoughts, resulting in social anxiety and a racing mind. My eating disorder overshadowed much of my high school experience.
I finally broke free from this destructive eating pattern while in college. It was a long and challenging journey, and yes, I gained weight. But I rediscovered my sense of self, feeling strong and healthy again, and I pledged never to return to that dark place. And I haven’t.
The act of counting calories or following a strict diet now triggers my anxiety. It’s simply not healthy. Fad diets, carb counting, or cutting out foods deemed “bad” lead me down a perilous path of obsession. I refuse to let myself go there again.
Nowadays, I exercise for the joy it brings me, not for appearance or weight. I maintain a balanced diet that includes a variety of foods in moderation, including regular visits to McDonald’s. My weight fluctuates, like many others, but my emotional state is far more stable. I’m living my life, relishing food and friendships. I’ve found happiness, and my mind is no longer a calculator tallying calories.
I no longer shy away from social gatherings for fear that there won’t be diet-friendly options available. I recognize that I’m leading a healthier life without being confined to an oppressive food regime that left my spirit parched. I will never revert to the teenage girl who avoided pizza and brownies for nearly four years, who was so restricted that she was never comfortable and perpetually hungry.
When I let go of calorie counting, I embraced a happier version of myself. Trust me, your happiness far outweighs any number on the scale.
For more insights on food ideas, you can check out this resource: Food Ideas. And if you’re interested in home insemination methods, you might find this post useful: Home Insemination Kit. Another excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination is IVF Babble.
Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s journey through body image struggles, calorie counting, and the realization that true health comes from balance and happiness rather than strict diets. The author shares their experience of overcoming an eating disorder and embracing a fulfilling life centered on self-acceptance and moderation.