By: Emily Carter
Updated: Dec. 20, 2019
Originally Published: Dec. 18, 2019
My former husband and I parted ways on good terms, supporting each other throughout the entire process. One cloudy November afternoon before he moved out, we went out for lunch to discuss our divorce logistics. I was in tears, and instead of diving into the details of custody arrangements, he handed me a tissue and said, “Let’s not tackle this today.”
We shared our sadness, reminding each other that we were making the best decision for our family — and we both understood that it was true. Friends don’t just slap a Band-Aid over a tough situation; they do what’s right, even when it’s hard.
My ex isn’t a “bad guy.” Our relationship was never abusive or toxic, but recently, he has shown disrespect toward me in front of our kids, and I refuse to accept it.
Just last week, we had a confrontation (don’t worry, it wasn’t in front of the children). It seemed he needed a reminder of how I expect to be treated as their mother. He came to pick up the kids on his scheduled night, and upon seeing me dressed up, he commented, “Why are you wearing that? And those heels are so high?” His tone was just as irritating as the words themselves, and yes, the kids overheard.
I don’t expect him to compliment my appearance (nor do I want him to), but I do expect him to refrain from making rude comments when he feels the urge. We are teaching our children kindness, and as their father, he should model that behavior. It’s far easier to keep unkind thoughts to oneself than to voice unsolicited criticism.
After our divorce, there was a time when I didn’t speak up about his comments. I’ve seen friends endure much worse situations after their marriages ended, and I took their words to heart when they said I had it good. But the saying “You teach people how to treat you” holds a lot of truth. I let a few snide remarks slide, which set a dangerous precedent.
I kept telling myself it wasn’t a big deal and that I shouldn’t complain. I thought it was just his way of coping with our separation. I chose silence to keep the peace for our kids, who had already been through so much. There was also a part of me that was simply exhausted and didn’t want to engage in a fight.
But that version of me is gone. I’ve returned and I’m no longer putting up with it. After all, my children are observing how he treats me.
His comments about my outfit, questioning changes I’ve made around the house, and even laughing when the kids disrespect me are all reasons to stand up for myself.
I don’t care if we generally have a positive co-parenting relationship; that should be the minimum expectation, not an excuse for him to act like a jerk. Just because we get along most of the time doesn’t mean he can disrespect me now that we’re divorced. If he’s disrespecting me in front of our children, he’s not being the great father I know he can be. His actions in private don’t excuse degrading their mother in front of them.
I consistently show him respect in front of our children. There are moments when I don’t agree with him or dislike his actions, but those discussions should remain private. I hold back my eye rolls and resist the urge to point fingers because I know it’s what’s best for the kids. He owes me that same respect.
If you’re dealing with an ex who disrespects you, speak up. Don’t make excuses for their behavior just because things could be worse or because you fear more trouble if you voice your concerns.
Being a good parent means treating everyone — including ex-partners — with respect. You don’t have to be disrespectful; you can communicate in a calm and collected manner.
What I’m saying is, don’t hesitate to remind your ex that their words and actions matter. If they can’t behave for you, they must do it for your children. And if they can’t manage that, it’s time to handle matters via phone or text. You don’t have to tolerate disrespect or any form of abusive behavior just because you share parenting responsibilities.
I deserve respect, plain and simple. I don’t care what my ex thinks about my appearance or my parenting style. What matters most to me is how my children perceive their dad. I want them to see me handle disrespect with dignity. I will always demand respect and prioritize the examples we set for our children. Because, whether married or not, that’s our most important job.
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Summary: This article emphasizes the importance of demanding respect from an ex-partner, especially in a co-parenting relationship. It discusses the personal journey of standing up against disrespectful comments to set a positive example for children. The author reflects on past experiences of silence and the importance of addressing disrespect for the sake of one’s self-worth and children’s perception of healthy relationships.