Tonight was meant to be a “No TV Tuesday” for my husband and me—a rare chance to reconnect amid the whirlwind of parenting three young kids. However, after the chaos of holiday preparations, we decided to shift our TV-free day to Wednesday and catch one of our favorite shows at its regular time instead.
But it wasn’t this week’s episode that affected us; it was the teaser for next week. That brief 30-second clip brought forth a tidal wave of emotions, leaving us both in tears. We learned that Kate had experienced a tragic loss, which hit too close to home for us.
Fourteen months ago, we faced a similar heartbreak when we lost our baby. Like Kate and Toby’s experience, our loss occurred early in the pregnancy, a reality that many are aware of and often don’t discuss openly. It’s a common occurrence, which is precisely why we hesitated to share our joyous news at first.
Yet, that fact did little to ease the pain. Those days following the miscarriage felt like the loneliest of our lives. It was as if we were told our grief should be less profound since we hadn’t reached the typical milestones of pregnancy. I know others who have endured far greater losses—those who lost their babies just days before delivery. My pain felt trivial in comparison.
During the weekend of the procedure to say goodbye, we took turns weeping quietly, overwhelmed by sorrow. When the tears wouldn’t stop, I suggested we confront our grief directly. Genetic testing revealed we were having a girl, so we created a list of names and chose one after her great-great-grandmother. It was one of the most heart-wrenching nights we’ve ever had. We envisioned her in heaven, imagining her with her father’s shiny brown hair and her sister’s dimples, surrounded by family members who had passed on. We dreamed of what meeting her someday might be like.
I thought we had processed our loss after naming her. Then that short clip reignited our grief, and we held each other just like we did that night. It became clear to me that this sorrow would always linger just beneath the surface.
In the past year, we’ve faced numerous challenges, including complications with our son’s health that almost led to another heartbreaking loss. I went to bed last night, looking in the mirror at a reflection I hadn’t seen in a long time—my face swollen and my eyes red, a reminder of the tears I had shed. I’m so weary of seeing that person staring back at me.
So, I simply cannot bring myself to watch this week’s episode. Creators, I appreciate your efforts to bring authenticity to television, but some experiences are just too painful to relive.
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Summary: In this heartfelt piece, Emily shares her emotional journey surrounding the loss of her baby and the impact of a TV show that mirrors her experience. She reflects on the complexities of grief and the challenges of parenting while navigating such deep sorrow, ultimately deciding to skip the episode that would reopen old wounds.