Updated: Aug. 1, 2016
Originally Published: July 30, 2016
Children experience emotions profoundly. They have intense, complicated feelings that can often be overwhelming. Anyone who has cared for a crying infant, a tantrum-throwing toddler, or a moody teenager knows that kids come equipped with a diverse emotional toolkit.
Through my journey as both a parent and an educator, I’ve noticed that societal messages about emotions are often indirect and unintentional. In my own household, I’ve found myself confronting my daughters’ meltdowns with phrases like, “Just stop it,” or telling a tear-streaked face, “Don’t be sad.” My intention is never to stifle their emotions, yet it can sometimes come across that way. Parenting young kids with big feelings is undoubtedly challenging. Unfortunately, when children are subtly taught that certain emotions are undesirable or unsafe, they begin to internalize the belief that feeling these emotions is wrong. Anger becomes something to fear, and sadness translates to failure.
This notion is dangerous, as it fosters the belief that one must control their emotions and that not feeling is somehow preferable. The phrase “happiness is a choice” carries an implicit suggestion that individuals should be in complete command of their feelings. If happiness were truly a choice, who would willingly opt for sadness? This mindset can lead to feelings of inadequacy—if one isn’t happy, it’s perceived as a personal failure.
I spent many years grappling with my feelings of anger and sadness, trying to suppress them, but this only deepened my unhappiness. I learned that the more I attempted to manage these so-called “negative” feelings, the more powerless I felt. It was a profound revelation when I understood that no feeling is inherently bad. Anger itself isn’t the issue; it’s our response to it that can be positive or negative. Similarly, sadness isn’t wrong; it’s our actions that determine its impact.
In our home, we prioritize open discussions about feelings and choices, recognizing the distinction between the two. Phrases like, “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to be unkind,” resonate in our conversations. We also explore alternatives: “It’s fine to feel frustrated, but how can we express that without throwing a fit?” or “Feeling sad is normal. I feel sad too. How can we navigate our sadness while remaining kind?”
It’s essential for my children to understand that it’s okay to experience any emotion while still making positive choices. There are no “bad” feelings—though some may be uncomfortable, they are still valid.
I strive to be mindful in my responses to my children. Even if I don’t fully comprehend their sadness, I never suggest they shouldn’t feel it. Instead, I encourage them to reflect on the choices that have led to their emotions and the decisions they can make in the moment.
Today’s children face unprecedented levels of depression, suicide, and mental health issues. It’s crucial that we equip them with a healthy understanding of their emotional landscape because children who can embrace their feelings will grow into adults who can navigate life’s complexities. Rather than demonizing difficult emotions, I aim to support my children in forming healthy relationships with their feelings. They don’t need to control their emotions, nor do their emotions need to control them.
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In summary, teaching children to embrace their feelings rather than suppress them is vital for their emotional well-being. By fostering open communication about emotions and choices, we can help them navigate life’s complexities with resilience and kindness.