I’ve always been skilled at hiding — or at least managing — my most intense emotions, keeping everything bottled up to avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations. Regardless of the emotional storms I faced in my life, I would silently process it, perhaps feeling a simmering anger within, yet never showing it on the outside.
Then my little one transitioned into the toddler phase, and the tantrums began. My facade began to crack, and all my feelings bubbled to the surface.
My daughter’s outbursts aren’t particularly severe by toddler standards, but anyone who’s witnessed a child’s meltdown knows that even the mildest fits can be overwhelming. Typically, tantrums start around age two and gradually decrease by four, making it a brief but intense phase. Research indicates that tantrums happen, on average, once a day, lasting about three minutes. However, as the study didn’t mention, those three minutes can feel like an eternity.
This behavior is a normal part of development. Toddlers haven’t fully developed their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. “Consequently, toddlers experience and express their emotions in full force,” explains Emily Davis, a licensed therapist and founder of Parenting Pathways.
So when a toddler feels frustrated, tired, hungry, or misunderstood, their emotions can spiral rapidly. Just the other day, my daughter was in a fit on the floor because we misheard her say “turkey” instead of “cookie.” Oops.
During these tantrums, it’s not just the child who feels upset. These episodes can trigger parents for various reasons: they’re irrational, embarrassing, inconvenient, and utterly exhausting. On a deeper level, they can lead to feelings of inadequacy as a parent. I often find it difficult not to take tantrums both seriously and personally, which can have repercussions.
According to Davis, tantrums activate a chain reaction in parents, where a child’s behavior triggers certain thoughts, leading to powerful emotions and ultimately to actions. This process is often automatic, leaving parents unaware of what influences their reactions. The most common emotion that leads to a dysregulated response is anger. “Many adults grow up believing that anger is wrong and unacceptable,” Davis notes. “This belief can easily lead to negative triggers for parents.”
I’ve felt this deeply. All those years of suppressing my anger didn’t mean I was processing it; I was merely pushing it down. When a toddler is throwing blocks at you because you tried to adjust her shirt, it takes a lot of effort to keep that anger contained.
In the heat of my three-year-old’s most challenging tantrums, I’ve lost my temper. I’ve watched myself act in ways that feel completely out of character: yelling, threatening, snapping. Just the other night, my daughter woke me up at 2 A.M., sobbing in frustration because she couldn’t arrange her blankets perfectly. Exhausted and frustrated myself — we’ve been dealing with this blanket situation for weeks — I snapped back, “Get BACK in your bed now. The blanket being straight DOES. NOT. MATTER.”
Naturally, this is the worst response. Dr. Alex Martin, a child psychiatrist and professor, points out that the most critical aspect of the parent-child tantrum dynamic is the parent’s tendency to mirror their child’s emotional intensity. “This isn’t helpful,” he explains. “Your child is often unaware of the chaos they’re creating, so when you come in with heightened emotions, it escalates the situation.” Indeed, studies show that negative parental reactions to tantrums are linked to lower social skills and more negative emotions in children.
There’s plenty of advice out there about how to handle tantrums. Parents are encouraged to stay calm, validate their feelings, give hugs, practice mindfulness, maintain a neutral expression, or distract the child. But here’s the reality: those strategies don’t always work. There are times when I gather all my strength to remain composed, validate feelings, and apply every expert suggestion, yet the tantrum only grows.
Experts say this is completely normal. But, we have to find a way to stay calm regardless.
“So often, parents concentrate on finding the perfect strategy during a tantrum,” Davis says. “While strategies are helpful, it’s essential to focus on regulating ourselves and calming our minds and bodies to be more grounded, rather than reactive.”
I don’t want to be a reactive parent, nor do I want to bottle up my feelings like I have for so long. As the adult, it’s my duty to develop coping mechanisms for handling anger effectively.
I have much to learn, but I’m making progress. When my usual strategies fail, I turn to different techniques reminiscent of when I brought my baby into the world. Tantrums, in many ways, resemble contractions. You can’t reason with them or will them to be shorter or less intense. They are natural occurrences, and no matter how many strategies you learn, sometimes the best thing you can do is breathe through it and remember that their intensity doesn’t define you.
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Summary:
The article discusses the challenges parents face during toddler tantrums, highlighting the emotional toll on both the child and the parent. It emphasizes the importance of self-regulation for parents and the need to approach tantrums with understanding rather than anger. The author reflects on their own struggles with managing anger and outlines the necessity of developing coping strategies.