When my kids were young, we often talked about bullying—what to do if they witnessed it or experienced it firsthand. I explained the different forms of bullying: physical, mental, and emotional. During their early school years, my friends and I were always vigilant for any signs of bullying. By the time our kids reached high school, we thought we had equipped them with the necessary skills to handle these situations. But what about us? Who prepared us for the adult equivalent of mean girls?
Throughout my adult life, I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by kind and supportive women—those who make an effort to include others and uplift those in distress. However, everything shifted when I relocated from San Francisco to the suburbs of DC. I found myself in a toxic environment filled with aging Alpha Females desperately clinging to their youth. Any slight deviation from their standards was met with cold stares, exclusion, and backstabbing.
It was captivating, almost like a twisted version of high school, only in better attire and with cosmetic enhancements. These women masqueraded as kind-hearted individuals, but they circled like sharks at the first sign of vulnerability or any perceived threat to their dominance. If a newcomer didn’t fit their criteria—whether in appearance, home, or family—they were ignored and often the subject of gossip and ridicule.
After observing this ruthless behavior for a few years, I decided to write a novel inspired by my experiences. The responses to my book were mixed: some readers insisted that real adult women don’t act this way, while others sadly recognized their own experiences in the pages. Among those who related, five types of bullying emerged:
1. Exclusion
This can be subtle, such as posting photos of a gathering without including someone, or overt, like making plans in front of someone who isn’t invited. While no one is entitled to an invitation, there’s a fine line between kindness and cruelty.
2. Inclusion with Conditions
Similar to the rules in “Mean Girls,” some groups pressure each other to conform to specific social norms, leading to widespread issues like anxiety and eating disorders among women.
3. Mental Bullying
Walking into a gathering where you know several people but are ignored can be nerve-racking. Imagine feeling like you’re being mocked while they laugh and huddle, making you doubt your own perceptions.
4. Physical Intimidation
While less common among women, it can manifest through minor acts like spilling drinks or bumping into someone to assert dominance.
5. Blatant Harassment
Think of those classic ’80s and ’90s films where a character is openly ridiculed. Adult women do this too—gossiping, spreading rumors, and undermining others to elevate themselves.
Dealing with bullying as an adult can be confusing. After all, we should know better, right? Unfortunately, bullying doesn’t have an age limit, and many women find themselves trapped in a false sisterhood that thrives on tearing each other down. This isn’t the kind of “girl gang” anyone should aspire to join, yet it can feel tempting when you’re on the outside looking in.
The toolbox I created for my kids doesn’t apply to adult bullying situations outside of work. There’s no one to report to, and the consequences for exclusion, gossip, and body shaming seem non-existent.
What Can You Do?
After speaking with numerous women who have faced bullying, I’ve learned that self-care is crucial. Here are a few strategies to protect yourself:
- Limit Social Media Exposure: If seeing posts about gatherings you weren’t invited to causes distress, consider taking a break from social media. Block the individuals who hurt you; they don’t need access to your life. While it’s daunting to cut ties with toxic relationships, it can also be liberating.
- Reach Out to a Trusted Friend or Family Member: Almost every woman I know has faced some form of bullying. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less isolated and provide validation for your emotions.
- Seek Professional Help: If you lack a close friend to confide in, talking to a therapist or clergy member can help you process your feelings and identify steps to find peace in your life. They can help you gain perspective on your situation.
- Practice Positive Affirmations: Bullying can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. Try to focus on three positive traits you possess and remind yourself of them daily. Allow yourself to believe in your worth.
- Write It Down: Instead of lashing out at a bully, write down your feelings. This can be a cathartic release and help you see things more clearly. Tearing up that letter can feel liberating.
- Embrace Forgiveness: This is often the hardest step but the most essential. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse someone’s hurtful actions; it’s a means to free yourself from lingering pain. Understanding the reasons behind a bully’s behavior can also provide clarity.
If you find yourself in a bullying situation, remember—you don’t have to suffer in silence, and you’re not alone. Just like our kids, we have tools to combat bullying by taking care of our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. For more insights on this topic, check out this related article.
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In summary, navigating the world of adult bullying is challenging, but by focusing on self-care and reaching out for support, we can reclaim our power and find peace.