My four-year-old caught me off guard last night with a question I knew would come eventually: “Mommy, how did Uncle Jake die?” There it was, staring me in the face.
I stood there, speechless, looking at my curious, loving child with his big, expressive eyes waiting for a response. When I hesitated, he repeated the question. All I could think to say was, “Sometimes these things happen. Want some ketchup with your dinner?” How inadequate I felt! I had over four years to prepare for this moment, and yet, I was left fumbling for words.
Before having kids, it’s easy to imagine how conversations will go. I envisioned discussing my brother with my son when he was older, picturing heartfelt exchanges reminiscent of a sitcom, where my delivery would be perfect and meaningful. Never did I foresee that I would be a silent, stunned mother faced with such a heavy topic at my son’s tender age.
The Challenge of Discussing Suicide
Discussing suicide is challenging even among adults, let alone with young children. After my son went to bed, I found myself searching online for guidance on how to talk about suicide with a four-year-old. I stumbled upon a grief counselor’s advice suggesting honesty: “He was sad and didn’t know how to end the pain any other way.” I let that sink in.
When I was five, my uncle took his own life, and I was told it was an accident. I sensed there was more truth beneath that surface. It wasn’t until I was 14 that my mother finally shared the full story after years of my inquiries. I promised myself I would be open with my children about my brother’s death to avoid shrouding it in shame. Yet, now that I faced the question, I understood my mother’s hesitation.
Protecting Innocence
Childhood is fleeting. The wonder, innocence, and sweet curiosity of a young child are temporary. Before I know it, my firstborn will be off to kindergarten, and the world will inevitably strip away his innocence. How can I explain to him, at just four years old, that some people experience such profound sadness that they don’t want to live anymore? Even I struggle to grasp that concept as an adult.
My brother Jake died by suicide over seven years ago, three years before my son was born. Losing a sibling means mourning the loss of a significant part of your life story. One of the most difficult aspects is knowing my children will never know him, and vice versa. I often wonder if they would even be interested in hearing stories about him.
Interestingly, my son has shown a keen interest in Uncle Jake and often talks about him being in heaven with the dinosaurs and our dog, Max. He asks about Jake’s favorite video games, foods, and the fun we had together. I could tell myself I should have been ready for this moment, but as my husband kindly reminded me, you can’t predict when such a question might arise.
Finding the Right Words
What I’ve learned is that there isn’t a single correct way to respond, but many well-meaning answers could be harmful. While I can’t shield my kids from everything, I can strive to protect them from unnecessary pain or confusion for as long as possible. I still don’t have an answer, and I’m not close to finding one.
For now, I choose to share the joyful memories—like how Uncle Jake loved playing Mario and defeating Bowser or how he enjoyed trains and once wore a Thomas the Tank Engine costume. I want my children to understand who Jake was as a person before diving into the complexities of his death. After all, he deserves to be remembered for more than just the end of his life. When my son asks again, I’ll look into his innocent eyes and simply say that I don’t have an answer yet; that is also part of the truth.
If you’re interested in more parenting insights, check out this blog post on home insemination.
Search Queries:
- How to talk to kids about death
- Explaining suicide to children
- Coping with loss as a parent
- Understanding grief in children
- Resources for discussing mental health with kids
Summary:
This article explores the unexpected moment a mother faced her four-year-old son’s inquiry about the death of her brother, Jake, who died by suicide. She reflects on the difficulty of discussing such heavy topics with young children, the importance of sharing joyful memories, and the challenge of being open about difficult truths. Ultimately, she emphasizes the need to protect her child’s innocence while navigating the complexities of grief.