It was a simple request—my mom asked for a napkin to clean her mouth after dinner, but I could only find a tissue. I passed it to her, and she awkwardly dabbed at her lips, missing a few spots before returning it to me. By then, she hardly had the strength to eat, having become so frail and disinterested in meals due to painkillers. I was glad to fulfill her surprising wish for spaghetti that night, even if she only managed a few bites.
Memories of my mother’s fight against ovarian cancer often hit me unexpectedly, especially during the mundane moments of my life with my 11-year-old son. As I sort through his video game-themed shirts and endless socks, I sometimes picture him in my position, grappling with how he might care for me in the future.
Reflecting on my time as a caregiver, I remember driving to my parents’ house after long days at work—three times a week and on weekends—just to give my dad a little break. After two years of caring for my mom, the toll on him was apparent. His once bright demeanor had faded, and his posture had changed under the weight of responsibility. By then, my mother relied heavily on my father, brother, and me for help with dressing, bathing, and meals. They lacked private insurance, so we pooled our resources to support her. My brother and I had settled into our own lives in different cities, but we were still close enough to share the burden during my mom’s final battle.
My father had owned a printing business for over 40 years, but as my mother’s condition worsened, he made the tough decision to sell and take on part-time work. Eventually, he had to give up entirely. While the financial loss was significant, the emotional strain on him was far more damaging. As an extrovert, his job had provided him with social interaction, and after leaving it behind, he became a shadow of his former self. My mom, wanting to keep her illness private, left him without outside support, which compounded the stress for all of us. My brother and I juggled our careers and personal lives while dealing with the guilt and heartache that come with a loved one’s chronic illness.
My experience is far from unique. The AARP Public Policy Institute estimates that over 40 million Americans provide unpaid caregiving, contributing an astonishing $470 billion annually. Many caregivers also belong to the “sandwich generation,” caring for both children and aging parents. A recent survey by T. Rowe Price revealed that 35% of parents with children aged 8 to 14 are also looking after elderly family members—a daunting task that requires balancing full-time jobs with the demands of caregiving.
Though many view caregiving as a blessing, it is fraught with challenges. The physical and emotional burdens are evident, but the financial ramifications can be severe, too. AARP found that family caregivers over 50 who leave the workforce to care for a parent can lose over $300,000 in income and benefits.
As I consider my own caregiving journey, I fear the day my son might find himself in a similar situation. I know he would step up without hesitation, but I don’t want that responsibility to fall solely on his shoulders. I want him to be able to manage my care rather than being forced to provide it himself.
I’m grateful to work for a company that emphasizes the importance of planning. I’ve learned that exploring options for future care can ease the burden on family members and safeguard retirement savings by having dedicated funds for care costs. Planning ahead, while I’m still healthy, ensures my family has more choices at a lower cost.
If there’s a silver lining to my family’s experience, it’s that my mother spent her last days in the comfort of her own home. The night I served her spaghetti turned out to be the last time I saw her alive. As I left her room, she imparted a final piece of wisdom that has stayed with me: “Angela, kick your feet up and don’t worry about a thing. I love you.” I love you too, Mom—always.
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Summary
This article reflects on the author’s personal experience as a caregiver for her mother battling ovarian cancer and highlights the emotional, financial, and physical toll caregiving can take on family members. It emphasizes the importance of planning for future care needs to alleviate burdens on loved ones. The author expresses a desire for her son to have the option to manage her care rather than be solely responsible for it.