During a recent weekend getaway with friends, one of my pals, a stay-at-home mom, mentioned that her teenage kids prepare their own breakfast. I wouldn’t say she confessed this; she showed no signs of regret or shame whatsoever. This revelation sparked a lively discussion for the rest of the weekend, with divided opinions on her approach to the morning routine. Some friends were aghast: How could she let her children fend for themselves? (gasp) It wasn’t as if she was rushing off to work. (gasp again) What could she possibly be doing while they made breakfast? (Answer: reading the newspaper or checking email.)
I began to ponder why we were judging her so harshly. We’ve been friends for over three decades and know she’s a fantastic mom raising wonderful kids. There’s a method to her madness: she aims to instill independence and self-reliance in her children, ensuring they grow up strong and not entitled. Like many, she appreciates what she can provide and wants to avoid spoiling them. After all, why shouldn’t they learn to pour their own cereal or scramble some eggs? They are quite capable, right? Yet, she faced scrutiny, especially since she stays home with them. Wasn’t that supposed to be part of her role?
My kids, aged 6, 8, and 9, also contribute at home. They clean their rooms, clear their plates, and put away their laundry (though not always neatly). So, I wasn’t one of those who were horrified.
However, I must admit that I’ve often judged my stay-at-home mom friends in the past. I recall many evenings out where I would listen to them “complain” about their hectic lives—shuttling kids around, juggling homework, sports, and activities. It would make my eyes glaze over as I thought, “I do all that while working full-time. What do they have to whine about? I’m on conference calls during my commutes just to make it to my kids’ events.”
I often felt that all mothers share the same responsibilities—laundry, dinner, homework, bath time, and more—but I was also handling a demanding job that required at least 50 hours of my week. How could they think they had it tougher when I was managing both work and home?
Then, life took a turn: I became “one of them.” A few months ago, I left my job due to health reasons and now find myself at home all day, with only my dog for company. From 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., it’s just the two of us, and surprisingly, we find plenty to keep us busy.
To those friends I once silently judged: I understand now. I truly apologize. There’s a mountain of tasks to tackle every day. Of course, my situation is a bit different since my primary focus is my health, but like many in my new peer group, my days are filled with laundry, cleaning, scheduling doctor’s appointments, and volunteering at school—the list goes on.
I often reflect on how I managed all of this while working full-time; it feels like a blur. I know I did it, but I can’t recall how. Now, I can’t imagine it any other way.
Being “just a stay-at-home mom” has turned out to be both the most exhausting and rewarding part of parenting for me so far (and yes, I’m aware the teenage years are looming!). I get to send my kids off to the bus every morning and be there to welcome them back in the afternoons. I can gauge their days just by the way they carry their backpacks.
My new responsibilities include being the homework enforcer, snack provider, and chauffeur. However, I’d like to dispel some common myths about stay-at-home moms (mostly propagated by my own children). Contrary to popular belief, I do not spend my days binge-watching Netflix on their iPads or napping. And I’m pretty sure bonbons aren’t even a thing anymore.
I feel fortunate to have experienced both a fulfilling career and this time to focus on my family and health. However, I still miss my job and the work I loved. I sometimes find myself longing for the days when I had to dress up for work (though, let’s be honest, yoga pants are quite comfortable, even if they aren’t a fashion statement).
Whether I’m working or at home, I remain an imperfect mom. Some days, I excel; just the other day, the sun broke through the dreary winter clouds, and the kids played happily outside for hours (without devices). I prepared healthy snacks for them, and bedtime was a breeze, complete with snuggles and storytime—no yelling at all. Yep, that’s right. Not a single shout all day.
Then, the very next day, my youngest came off the bus in tears over a minor issue at school. The veggies I had prepped were gone, and they dove straight into the snack drawer for Oreos (which can be quite comforting when faced with kindergarten drama). They barely waited until homework was done before reaching for their devices (okay, I’ll admit, I have some rules!). And that non-yelling streak? It only lasted one day. Oh, and despite my constant presence, my older daughter declared, “Daddy is the nice one.”
Having experienced both sides, I can honestly say that whether you’re working outside the home or navigating the complexities of stay-at-home life, we’re all just doing the best we can. Most of us think we’re messing things up more than we ever thought possible. So let’s stop believing the grass is always greener on the other side. And for the love of all that’s good, let’s stop judging each other.
For more insights about parenting and fertility, you can check out resources like the CDC’s guide on pregnancy and explore ways to boost fertility through supplements. If you’re navigating the journey of insemination, IUI struggles can provide valuable support.
Summary
This article reflects on the author’s shift in perspective about stay-at-home moms after she became one herself. Initially judgmental, she now understands the challenges and rewards of being home with her children. Through personal anecdotes, she highlights the daily tasks and responsibilities of motherhood, emphasizing that whether working or staying at home, all moms face similar struggles and should support one another instead of judging.