My gynecologist suggested Xanax for my anxiety, but it turns out, my vagina is the one that really needs to chill out. Apparently, she’s a bit high-strung and could benefit from some massage therapy — what a lucky lady!
You might be wondering, “How can a vagina experience anxiety?” After years of reflection, I’ve learned that general anxiety can manifest in unexpected ways. While some people grind their teeth when stressed, I clench my pelvic muscles. It’s not exactly fun and games over here, so please, hold off on the judgment.
Maybe it’s the onset of perimenopause, perhaps it’s due to hormonal shifts, or maybe I’m just a little unhinged. Regardless of the reason, I need to tackle this issue head-on. Who wants to navigate life with an anxious vagina? I have enough on my plate!
For instance, what if my car tumbles off a cliff into the ocean? I’d panic about how to escape without that emergency tool to break the windshield. Or what if my furnace explodes in the middle of the night? Survival odds? I’d better have an escape plan. Jumping off the balcony sounds risky and could lead to broken bones. How would I escape with a crying child and a dog while nursing those injuries?
When I’m not making up disaster scenarios worthy of a reality show, I stress over mundane issues, like the possibility of contracting a bizarre illness from my Neti Pot. Or researching every odd symptom on WebMD, from dry eyes to itchy skin. But back to my anxious vagina. While massage and medication are recommended, I hesitate to rely on pills to mask the issue. I want to tackle this problem from its roots and cultivate a more relaxed perspective down there.
However, relaxation isn’t easy. I tried yoga and meditation but, unsurprisingly, I’m part of that small percentage of people who become anxious when trying to unwind. I even got a dog, hoping for some calming companionship, but her obsessive licking habit turned out to be more distracting than soothing. The sound of her nails clicking on the floor while she follows me around adds to my tension.
So, I decided to go the organic route. Living in a progressive state makes it easy for me to access a local dispensary. It’s perfectly normal for a midlife housewife to pick up cannabis-infused gummy candies while the kids are at school, right?
Driving to an unfamiliar place sends my anxiety levels soaring, so naturally, I used Google Maps to scope out the location and parking situation ahead of time. I must have circled the dispensary fourteen times before finally mustering the courage to park. I waited until the coast was clear before heading inside. The staff were laid-back, and I nervously asked, “Do you have anything mild that won’t send me over the edge, but will help relax my pelvic muscles?”
I left with two bags of salted caramels, hopeful that I’d finally conquer my anxiety. After indulging before bed, panic set in. My lips tingled, my throat felt constricted, and one eye seemed larger than the other. Fantastic. Is this an allergic reaction to cannabis?
I spent the night binge-watching Bob Ross on Netflix, desperately waiting for the effects to fade. The serene landscapes weren’t helping, so I turned to YouTube and lost myself in ASMR videos, particularly those delightful tiny food clips. Burgers the size of my pinky cooked in mini skillets? Pure bliss.
Maybe the cannabis was taking effect? I began to feel a sense of relaxation, but then my stomach growled with hunger. Suddenly, I craved those tiny cheeseburgers. Where could I possibly find them during the wee hours? The tension returned, and panic flooded in. It felt hopeless — nothing could salvage my anxious vagina.
This reflective piece highlights the intertwining of mental health and physical well-being, showcasing the unique challenges of navigating anxiety and the quest for serenity. If you’re interested in fertility and wellness, don’t forget to check out this insightful post on boosting fertility supplements and explore this heartfelt reflection on infertility and loss. For further information, the Genetics and IVF Institute offers great resources for pregnancy and home insemination.