One of my long-time friends, Jason, lives about three hours away in Seattle. He’s one of those rare individuals I can’t quite recall the moment we met, but he’s been part of countless significant memories from my youth. Despite the relatively short distance between us, it has been years—possibly even a decade—since we last saw one another.
Sure, we exchange the occasional text and chat on the phone once a year, and I do keep an eye on his social media when something catches my attention. However, the reality is that we’re no longer as close as we used to be, and I want to make it clear: it’s not him; it’s me.
At this point in our lives, we’re both in our late 30s, but my situation is quite different from his. I’m married with three kids, while he’s single and child-free. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to carve out time to be a decent friend—let alone a great one. I often go weeks without replying to messages, cancel plans last minute, and sometimes I return calls as much as a month after they’ve been left on my voicemail.
This isn’t just about one friend; it’s a broader issue. I’m currently in the busiest phase of my life. You may relate to this feeling, too. Right now, I’m juggling two jobs. I’ve always needed multiple jobs to make ends meet. Before this, I was a college student with kids, a late bloomer who struggled to get my life in order. I wake up before dawn and often return home well after sunset. My evenings are packed with soccer practices, gymnastics, homework, housework, and cooking—never mind the laundry and bath time.
My weekends are a blur of muddy soccer cleats and enthusiastic little gymnasts. I rush from one soccer field to another while my wife is managing grocery runs. Just when I think we can breathe, we discover our son has a last-minute project that he hid from us, leaving us with only two days to finish it. We split the tasks, and once we finally collapse into bed, exhausted, we stare at the ceiling and plan for the next day.
Breathe, I tell myself. But when I finally do get a moment, I usually spend it connecting with my wife or enjoying one-on-one time with my kids, or squeezing in some exercise.
As a child, I longed for adulthood, believing it meant freedom to do whatever I wanted. Now at 37, I’m writing this, struggling to recall the last time I truly did something just for me. The highlight? Watching half a movie on Netflix months ago.
I know this sounds like yet another parent lamenting the challenges of raising kids, but it’s more than that. While I’m undeniably tired and busy, I’ve never felt more fulfilled. I adore my kids and my wife is a dream come true. But right now, everything revolves around them and my family. I don’t have the bandwidth to maintain friendships as I used to.
That being said, I do have friends. I genuinely try to keep up with them, celebrate their achievements, and feel their pain during tough times. Yet, I’m acutely aware that I’m stretched thin. There are days when I’m on the brink of burnout, and I know this has affected my friendships.
It took me a long time to come to terms with this reality, but I’ve accepted it. My priorities are clear now. I’ve recognized what I can and cannot manage, and at this moment, nurturing friendships isn’t a top priority.
I acknowledge this may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. I can’t alter the needs of my children or the commitment I’ve made to my wife and family. I’ve been in this long enough to realize that if I don’t dedicate myself fully to my family, everything could fall apart. And I’ve never wanted anything more than to make this family work, so I’m all in.
So, to my friends who are parents, if you feel overlooked, please understand it’s not about you. It’s simply the circumstances we find ourselves in. We’re overwhelmed and deeply invested in our kids. Once things stabilize, we might find it easier to reconnect. But right now, our focus needs to be on what matters most.
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In summary, while I recognize my shortcomings as a friend, my commitment to my family takes precedence right now. It’s all about prioritizing what matters most in this hectic life.