Bringing my mom to my IUI was a wild decision, but her suggestion to include a vibrator? That was crossing a line I wasn’t ready to tread. She thought I should “take care of business” to help give her a second grandchild, and honestly, that was a bit too much, even for me.
In the sterile room, dressed only in a paper gown, a no-nonsense nurse named either Sarah or Linda told me to lie back and relax. My mom, my ever-supportive partner in crime, held my hand tightly. I settled into the stirrups—definitely not a scene from a Shakespearean play—and tried to zone out while the nurse performed her duties. I could feel my mom channeling all her hope into my palm, and as the procedure unfolded, I tried to mentally escape and embrace the magic of the moment.
Once the procedure concluded, the nurse advised me to lie still for a few minutes to allow everything to “settle.” I expressed my gratitude for her help in starting my family, and she wished me luck before exiting the room. I told my mom I wanted to meditate quietly for a bit, with my legs elevated to help the sperm do its thing. But she had other plans.
“Did you remember to bring a vibrator?” she whispered loudly.
“What? Mom! No! Why would I even…?”
She had read somewhere that achieving an orgasm post-IUI could mimic “real sex” and enhance the process. I mean, non-scientifically, it kind of made sense—and maybe I was the one who wrote that article. But still! Absolutely not.
Putting the cringe-worthy “Mom Factor” aside, my vibrator hadn’t seen action in over two years. The fact that I had no desire to dig out the charger lurking in a drawer filled with broken headphones, random snacks, and stray earrings (even though I don’t have pierced ears) didn’t exactly scream domestic goddess. But we all know that neurotic parents often raise neurotic kids, right?
My lack of a toy didn’t deter my mom, who somehow wedged herself into the medical closet, insisting I needed to go about it “the old-fashioned way!” Now, while we’re a family that thrives on mischief, asking me to take matters into my own hands for the sake of her grandchild was a bridge too far, even for us.
Did she heed my protests? Absolutely not.
Yet, I have to admit, her antics did more good than harm. The image of her yelling, “Think of Dr. Thompson! Think of Dr. Thompson!”—our charming fertility doctor whom we often joked about—was too funny to handle. And just like that, I burst into laughter. We laughed as I got dressed and while settling the otherwise dull IUI bill. We chuckled on the way back home, my head resting on her shoulder, amidst fits of giggles. We even shared the story with everyone we met, relishing the shock on their faces. That night, we laughed ourselves to sleep, and I genuinely believe our joy made a difference.
Fast forward seven or eight weeks later, we found ourselves back in that same room, this time with my sister in tow. Dr. Thompson strolled in, unaware of our previous antics, and applied some cold gel to my abdomen. I already knew I was pregnant from the countless tests I had taken in the last month and my insatiable hunger. Yet, I was aware of the uncertainties due to my age and other factors.
“Your baby has a heartbeat,” Dr. Thompson said, his calm demeanor shifting to one of genuine excitement. “A strong, healthy heartbeat.”
“Is everything going to be okay, Dr. Thompson?” I asked, my heart racing. My sister was in tears, and my mom radiated joy. Dr. Thompson smiled—the kind of smile I had been waiting for. “All I can say is: you’re in the game.”
For more insights on home insemination, check out this article on home insemination or learn more about fertility at Intracervical Insemination and Cleveland Clinic.
If you’re looking for more information, consider these topics:
- Home insemination tips
- Self insemination methods
- Understanding IUI procedures
- Optimizing fertility
- The role of support in conception
Summary:
In a humorous recount of an IUI experience, a woman brings her mother along for support but is hilariously taken aback when her mom suggests bringing a vibrator to enhance the chances of conception. Despite the initial shock, their laughter and shared joy throughout the experience lead to a positive outcome.