I Struggled with My Husband After My Miscarriages

At home insemination kit

Here’s the reality: I experienced the loss of four pregnancies, and each time, I found myself resenting my husband.

My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube, necessitating emergency surgery to terminate the pregnancy and ensure my safety. The day after the surgery, feeling woozy from painkillers, my husband, Jake, chose to attend a hockey game with his brother. When I expressed my anger about this to a friend, she shared, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went to Vegas.” It seems that some partners handle pregnancy loss by avoiding the situation. Psychologists refer to this as avoidance, but to me, it was just frustrating.

Throughout my four losses (two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage), Jake immersed himself in various projects. He took up mountain biking, charting routes through local trails, and left maps scattered around the house. He started going on long runs, volunteering for local causes he had never cared about before, and even became preoccupied with cleaning—one day, I found him scrubbing the backyard concrete. At one point, he even enrolled in a disaster preparedness course. I often wondered if his frantic activities were a response to our losses, as if he felt so vulnerable that he needed to prepare for every possible disaster.

One thing he did not engage in was talking to me. I needed to process our losses, but his desire to “move on” clashed directly with my need for communication. He seemed to want to pretend that nothing had happened, which left me feeling like a mental and emotional wreck while he appeared unaffected by grief. It took time and couples therapy for me to understand that Jake was grieving too; he just expressed it differently.

In writing about our experiences in “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I discussed with my co-authors, a clinical social worker and a psychologist, how common it is for couples to face challenges following such losses, often due to differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler noted in a conversation with Brené Brown, “I do not believe a child loss is what causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.” The risk of separation is real; a study showed couples who experienced miscarriage were 22 percent more likely to break up than those who did not, with the risk remaining elevated for nearly a decade.

If you find yourself resenting your partner after a pregnancy loss and want to maintain your relationship, consider these insights:

1. He lost a baby too. While he didn’t carry the baby, he was just as invested in the dream of parenthood. I vividly remember the excitement in Jake’s eyes when I first told him I was pregnant. Fathers can grieve deeply, often in silence, facing their own struggles as studies indicate.
2. He may feel helpless. Jake is a natural problem-solver, and since there’s no simple solution to grief, he may retreat from the situation. This retreat is his way of coping with pain.
3. Fear is a factor. At one point, Jake expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He feared losing me in a way that felt irreversible. Opening up about each other’s fears could have fostered mutual comfort.
4. He cares but wants to appear strong. Men are often taught to suppress emotions in favor of strength. This societal conditioning can make it hard for them to express vulnerability, which is why a bit of empathy can go a long way.
5. Seek support from others. Relying solely on your partner for emotional support can be overwhelming. By reaching out to friends and family, I was able to ease the pressure on our relationship, which ultimately helped me feel less anger toward Jake.
6. Keep perspective. Grieving is a process, but it’s temporary. Years later, after welcoming our beautiful daughter, I can see how our experiences strengthened our bond. It sounds cliché, but it’s true; together, we have learned resilience.

For more insights on this subject, check out this other blog post and explore pregnancy rights for valuable information. Additionally, Mount Sinai offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.

Summary:

Miscarriages can lead to complicated feelings in relationships, especially when partners grieve differently. Understanding each other’s perspectives, seeking external support, and recognizing the shared loss can help navigate the emotional landscape and strengthen the relationship moving forward.