June 2, 2022
I admit it: I was not the best parent during my toddlers’ early years. I felt irritated, bored, and often reacted poorly. I lacked patience for their attempts to put on shoes or zip up coats. Always rushing to the next activity, I found their pace frustrating. Sitting on the floor to do puzzles or play games felt tedious. I lost my temper every time water was spilled from their cups. I basically ignored everything that parenting experts suggest.
When my kids were small, I often found myself counting down to the end of dinner, bath, and bedtime so I could finally relax in front of the TV or dive into a book. I pretended to be enthusiastic about whatever my children were doing, all while being internally overwhelmed with annoyance and exhaustion. On top of that, I felt guilty for not “savoring every moment,” as countless well-meaning strangers at the grocery store would encourage me. I wanted to tell them to just leave me alone.
So, it might not come as a surprise that while heavily pregnant with my fourth child, and with three others aged seven and younger, I found myself sitting in a therapist’s office, questioning how I would manage the next several decades. The thought of caring for yet another little one who needed constant attention filled me with shame as I felt like I was simply going through the motions of parenting without any real joy.
What the therapist told me changed everything. “Emma, different people excel at parenting at various stages of their children’s lives. Some thrive with babies while struggling with teenagers. Others find toddlers tedious but love the company of adult children. You have to give yourself permission to not cherish every moment or stage of your kids’ lives.” It was like a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders, allowing me to move forward. I felt relieved from the guilt of my impatience and frustration and was given a chance to rethink my approach to parenting at each stage of my children’s growth.
Interestingly, while I didn’t enjoy parenting toddlers, I find joy in raising my tweens and teens. Developmental experts will tell you that both stages share similarities — rapid brain development, individuation, and emotional outbursts — but my toddlers lacked the language to express themselves, resulting in a lot of frustration. In contrast, my teens are expressive and humorous, which helps balance out the more challenging moments, like their mood swings and questionable choices.
I recently spoke with Dr. Lisa Parker for a podcast about parenting, where she emphasized that “history is not destiny.” This idea, drawn from her book with co-author Dan Lee, highlights two main points. First, our upbringing doesn’t have to dictate how we raise our children. Second, our parenting style from yesterday or last year doesn’t need to shape how we parent now or in the future. Each day presents an opportunity to improve and adapt.
So, for those of you just trying to survive each day, feeling overwhelmed and not enjoying every moment, I share the same lifeline that was given to me: your child will transition to a new stage, and with that shift, you can reinvent yourself as a parent. At every turn, there’s potential for you to become more loving, patient, and present than before. And when things seem tough, remember: history is not destiny — tomorrow is a new opportunity.
Emma Thompson is the co-host of a parenting podcast, the founder of a youth empowerment program, and the author of a newsletter focused on raising adolescents. You can follow her on social media for more insights.
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In summary, parenting toddlers can be challenging, but it’s important to acknowledge that not every stage will resonate with you. It’s okay to seek support and understand that your journey as a parent can evolve. With each new phase, there are opportunities for growth and richer connections with your children.