Be Kind
It shouldn’t be challenging to recognize that some children (and adults) require accommodations.
By Jamie Thompson
Updated: Oct. 27, 2021
Originally Published: Oct. 27, 2021
In the past year, I’ve noticed that many people have a preconceived notion of what autistic individuals are supposed to look like. Even though my daughter exhibits several of the more recognizable traits of autism, people often seem surprised when I mention her diagnosis.
This realization struck me during a visit to the doctor’s office last winter. My daughter was quite vocal, making joyful squeals that serve as her happy stim. As her mother, these sounds bring me immense joy, but I’m also aware that they might be disruptive in certain settings. In places where quieter behavior is expected, like a doctor’s office, I try to guide her towards expressing herself in more subdued ways. Sometimes, however, it doesn’t quite go as planned.
While my doctor remained unbothered by the noise and appreciated my efforts to redirect her, the nurse reacted differently. Noticing my daughter’s happy demeanor but only focusing on her sounds, she remarked, “Someone doesn’t sound happy,” and asked her to use an inside voice. While I initially let it slide, her later attempt to use a sticker as a bribe to elicit a “please” and eye contact was where I drew the line.
I explained that my daughter is autistic and that her approach was inappropriate. The nurse apologized and handed over the sticker, trying to smooth things over as we prepared to leave. Reflecting on this, I felt anger that I had to disclose my daughter’s diagnosis for her to show even a hint of empathy.
It shouldn’t be so hard to understand that some children (and adults) need adjustments. What’s even more disheartening is the underlying assumption that anyone who seems “normal” must be neurotypical. Autism and many other disabilities do not have a specific appearance, and believing otherwise perpetuates ableism and discrimination against the autistic community.
My daughter may kick, scream, or hit herself when she’s struggling. While some may misinterpret this as “bad behavior,” she is actually expressing her frustration and trying to communicate what’s wrong. These reactions are her way of self-regulating, and while they may not be ideal, we are actively working on them.
Many fail to recognize that behavior itself is a form of communication. For nonverbal individuals with autism, their reactions can convey their needs, desires, or feelings. Just as we can’t expect a neurotypical child to suppress their words during a meltdown, we shouldn’t stifle an autistic child’s means of expression, especially when their communication abilities may already be limited.
The judgmental stares and unsolicited advice from those who lack understanding of parenting an autistic child are unhelpful. Apologizing with phrases like, “Sorry, I didn’t know,” is also ineffective. People shouldn’t need to know a child’s diagnosis to practice basic decency.
I’ve stopped offering apologies or excuses for my daughter’s behavior because it serves no one. All it does is placate those who choose to judge, and we owe them nothing. This also risks making my daughter feel more vulnerable in social situations, which is the opposite of my intention.
So, when she expresses her joy through squeals or paces while flapping and humming, it fills my heart with happiness. These moments are beautiful and fulfilling for us, even if they may appear different from what society expects.
My autistic daughter is doing her best, and that is more than enough.
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