It often begins with a glance. Sometimes it’s directed at my daughter, sometimes at me, or even at another parent or child nearby. The identity of the “look” recipient is irrelevant because the expression is always the same — a judgmental gaze that comes from witnessing a child with autism displaying typical behaviors and concluding that the child is “a bit odd,” “quirky,” or “misbehaving.” This scenario unfolds time and again, in countless settings.
During one particular morning while vacationing in San Diego, my five-year-old daughter and I decided to have a beach day—just the two of us. She loves the ocean, so we headed out early after grabbing coffee, aiming to catch the sunrise and steer clear of the crowds. As two individuals on the autism spectrum, we both have what’s known as “high-functioning” autism, specifically Asperger’s Syndrome. Crowds can lead to overstimulation, anxiety, and meltdowns, so we tend to avoid them when we can. Going out at dawn has become one of the many clever strategies we’ve developed to navigate a world that often overlooks our needs.
Yet, even when we’re cautious, interacting with others in public spaces is nearly impossible to evade. While we can usually sidestep crowded areas, it’s almost unavoidable to encounter individuals who pass judgment when they see typical autistic behaviors. About 15 minutes after we arrived at the beach, we faced this reality.
It should never be necessary for me to disclose my daughter’s autism for others to treat her with kindness.
The first judgmental glance came from a woman walking with her two teenage sons. It happened while my daughter was joyfully running back and forth between the ocean’s edge and my spot on the sand, flapping her arms with excitement, twirling, jumping, and even attempting cartwheels. To her, this was pure joy; to onlookers, it might appear “odd.”
“What is she…doing?” one of the boys asked his mom, pointing at my daughter.
“I don’t know,” she replied, casting a disapproving look at me before inquiring, “Is she…okay? What’s going on?”
“She’s just playing,” I responded.
“But is she… okay? Why is she making those… noises? And her hands are like… claws…”
“She’s autistic,” I answered, hoping to put an end to the questioning.
“Ohhh, I see,” she said, her discomfort palpable.
Having seemingly solved the mystery, she turned back to her son, whispering something I couldn’t hear as they continued their walk down the beach.
This instinct to “figure out” others based on a fleeting interaction is an unfortunate reality in our society. It adds unnecessary stress to many lives, including those of folks like us. Some people feel entitled to explanations about why someone behaves, speaks, or lives differently.
This type of scenario can happen to various individuals; for instance, a parent of a child with ADHD might have to justify their child’s emotional outbursts to strangers, while someone who has experienced fertility struggles may be questioned about why they left a baby shower early. The list goes on and on.
While it can be overwhelming to consider the multitude of experiences that exist, the solution doesn’t lie in knowing everyone’s personal story. That would be impossible. It doesn’t require each of us to be experts on every disorder or disability, as that’s an unrealistic expectation.
Would it have been impressive if that mom at the beach understood that my daughter’s “weird” behavior was called stimming, a common behavior for autistic individuals? Absolutely.
It would have been even better if she had taken that knowledge to educate her son about autism in a way that fostered understanding and compassion, without disrupting our beach outing to do so.
But was all of that necessary for a positive interaction? Not at all. What really mattered in that moment was the simple act of showing empathy and kindness.
It should never be the case that I have to tell someone my daughter is autistic for them to stop judging her. If I need to explain her autism for kindness to be extended, then clearly, there’s a significant misunderstanding. My daughter, like all individuals, deserves basic kindness, regardless of how “different” she may appear. Being unique or unconventional does not justify harsh judgment or ridicule.
A game-changing shift we can all make in our interactions is to default to kindness and empathy. Instead of seeking to “understand” others before offering compassion, we should adopt the mindset that there might be unseen factors influencing someone’s behavior.
Let’s prioritize kindness, y’all. Be. Kind.
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In summary, the need for empathy and understanding should always precede judgment. Everyone deserves kindness, regardless of their circumstances or behaviors.