It often begins with a look. A glance at my daughter, a stare directed at me, or even a sidelong glance at another child or parent nearby. Who receives the first look doesn’t matter, as the expression remains consistent: judgment. This judgment arises when someone sees a child with autism displaying typical behavior and hastily labels that child as “off,” “strange,” or “bad.” This occurs frequently and in all settings.
On one particular morning during our family vacation in Los Angeles, my five-year-old daughter and I decided to enjoy a beach outing—just the two of us. She loves the ocean, so after grabbing coffee from a local shop, we arrived early to watch the sunrise and steer clear of the crowds. Given that both of us are on the autism spectrum, specifically with a high-functioning type called Asperger’s Syndrome, avoiding crowds is essential. Crowds can lead to overstimulation, anxiety, and meltdowns, so we’ve learned to navigate public spaces proactively. Visiting places at dawn is just one of the many strategies we’ve adopted to function in a world that often overlooks people like us.
However, stepping out into public means we can’t completely avoid interactions. While we can often evade crowded spaces, it’s almost impossible to escape the judgmental glances that come when others witness typical autistic behavior. This became painfully clear about 15 minutes after we settled on the beach.
It should never be necessary for me to disclose my daughter’s autism for others to treat her with kindness and respect. That morning, the first judgmental look came from a mother walking with her two pre-teen sons. It happened when my daughter, filled with joy, was running back and forth between the ocean and my spot in the sand, flapping her arms while twirling and trying cartwheels—expressing herself in a way that resonates with her, even if it puzzles onlookers.
“What is she… doing?” one of the boys asked his mother, his voice loud and curious.
“I don’t know,” she replied, casting a disapproving look my way before asking, “Is she… okay? What’s going on?”
“She’s playing,” I responded, hoping to clarify.
“But is she… okay? Why is she making those… noises? And her hands are like… claws…”
“She’s autistic,” I said, trying to end the uncomfortable line of questioning.
“Ohhh, I see,” she replied, her discomfort evident.
Satisfied with this explanation, she turned back to her son, whispering something I couldn’t quite catch as they continued down the coast.
This tendency to feel entitled to explanations about others’ behavior based on a single moment is an unfortunate norm. It adds stress unnecessarily to many people’s lives. This need to justify oneself based on perceived “normalcy” can be exhausting. For us, it was having to validate my daughter’s behavior as “acceptable” in a world that often views it as “weird.” For another parent, it could involve justifying a child’s emotional outbursts due to ADHD. For someone dealing with fertility issues, it might mean explaining a hasty exit from a baby shower. For a Black girl, it could be responding to inquiries about her emotional reaction when a white child touches her hair, which may be considered a “curiosity.”
If we were to document every such instance, it would be an enormous list, rivaling the length of a long receipt.
Navigating this vast array of experiences can feel burdensome; being sensitive to them all seems almost impossible. However, the solution isn’t about knowing everyone’s story—an unrealistic expectation. It doesn’t require an exhaustive understanding of every disorder or disability, which would demand more time and effort than most can spare.
Would it have been admirable for that mother on the beach to recognize that my daughter’s “strange” behavior was simply stimming, a common practice among those with autism? Absolutely. Would it have been even better if she had used that knowledge to educate her son, fostering understanding of Autism Spectrum Disorder? Yes. And how impactful it would have been if she could have done this subtly without interrupting our beach moment, turning it into a learning experience without placing the burden on us.
Kindness and empathy should be the default mode of interaction, rather than judgment. We need to shift from an “I don’t understand” mindset to one of openness, recognizing that there may be unseen factors influencing others’ behavior.
At the end of the day, kindness is key. If I need to explain my daughter’s autism for her to be treated with basic decency, then the person I’m speaking to has already erred significantly. My daughter, like every individual, is deserving of respect and compassion, regardless of how “different” she may appear. Being unique or unconventional does not make anyone a target for ridicule or disdain.
Embracing kindness and empathy can transform our interactions and the world around us, encouraging us to understand rather than judge.
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In summary, let’s strive to be kinder, more understanding, and less judgmental towards others, regardless of their differences.