Here’s the honest truth: I experienced four pregnancy losses, and with each one, my resentment towards my partner deepened.
My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo developed in my left fallopian tube. This required emergency surgery to end the pregnancy and preserve my health. Surprisingly, the day after my procedure, while I lay in bed groggy from pain medication, my partner, Jake, went to a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration—bordering on fury—to a friend, she shared a similar story: “After my miscarriage, my partner went to Vegas.” This behavior seems common among some partners after such losses. Psychologists label it avoidance; I simply find it frustrating.
Throughout my four miscarriages (two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester loss, and a second-trimester loss), Jake immersed himself in various distractions. He took up mountain biking, meticulously mapping out routes through the local hills and leaving his notes scattered throughout our home. He went for long runs, volunteered for local initiatives he’d previously ignored, and even became fixated on cleaning—one day, I caught him scrubbing the backyard cement. He even enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching bizarre topics like, “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I often wondered if his actions were a metaphor for how our losses had made him feel so vulnerable that he felt the need to prepare for the worst.
One thing Jake didn’t engage in was talking to me about our losses. I longed to discuss our grief, but his desire to “move on” clashed with my need to process. His stoicism irritated me; I felt like a wreck mentally and physically, while he appeared too busy to grieve at all.
Over time, and through couples therapy, I came to understand that Jake was grieving in his own way. While writing “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I discussed with my co-authors, a clinical social worker and a psychologist, how common it is for couples to navigate grief differently. As grief expert David Kessler mentioned in an episode of Brené Brown’s podcast, “I do not believe a child loss is what causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.” This judgment can pose a significant threat to relationships after such profound loss. A study tracking over 7,000 pregnant couples for 15 years found that those who experienced miscarriage were 22% more likely to separate compared to those who didn’t, and the risk escalated further for couples facing stillbirth.
If you find yourself feeling resentment towards your partner after a pregnancy loss, here are some thoughts that may help:
He is grieving too. Although he didn’t carry the baby, he had dreams of parenthood that were shattered, just like you. I recall how Jake’s eyes sparkled when I first announced my pregnancy. I didn’t consider his disappointment during our losses; I was too wrapped up in my own grief. But fathers feel loss too. Research on the impact of stillbirth on fathers reveals themes of grief suppression, work struggles, financial hardships, and increased substance abuse. They face their own challenges.
He likely feels helpless. Jake is a natural fixer, yet there’s no easy solution to the pain of pregnancy loss. This can be unsettling for partners and may lead them to withdraw: “If I can’t fix it, I don’t want to deal with it.” His retreat is a reflection of his own pain.
He is scared as well. At one point, Jake confided, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He was terrified of losing me in a way that couldn’t be repaired. He feared I might never recover from our losses. I wish we had recognized each other’s fears and created space for mutual comfort; it would have eased our journey.
He’s not indifferent; he’s just trying to stay strong. Men often feel the need to suppress their emotions to project strength. This cultural conditioning can make it harder for them to express their feelings. Remembering this can foster empathy for your partner.
Don’t hesitate to seek support elsewhere. Society often places the expectation that a spouse should fulfill all emotional needs, which can create undue pressure. Instead of fixating on Jake’s inability to meet some of my needs, I chose to lean on friends and family for support. This didn’t mean I was giving up on our marriage; rather, it relieved some pressure from it. Once I found that support, my resentment toward Jake lessened. My emotional needs were met, even if not by him, and that ultimately strengthened our relationship. This experience helped clarify what each of us could provide as partners. While I sometimes wish he were more emotionally expressive, I love him for who he is, knowing that I will also need support from others throughout our life together. I am thankful I learned this early in our marriage—it reshaped our expectations of one another.
Keep the bigger picture in mind. Grief is a series of intense phases, but they are just that—phases. Years have passed since our losses, and we now have a healthy daughter who joined us after a seamless pregnancy. I can honestly say that our experiences made us stronger as a couple. It may sound cliché, but it’s the truth. Our journey has instilled confidence in our resilience as partners, and I now believe there is so much we can face together.
If you want to explore more on related topics, check out this post on home insemination, or visit Intracervical Insemination for expert insights. For further information on pregnancy and home insemination, News Medical is an exceptional resource.
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In summary, experiencing pregnancy loss can profoundly affect a relationship, often leading to misunderstandings and resentment. It’s crucial to recognize that both partners are grieving, albeit in different ways. Open communication, seeking support from others, and understanding each other’s emotional responses can help couples navigate this painful journey together.