“Alright, we have a choice between the new bell bottoms with a red tank top, jellybean leggings, or the purple dress,” I announce. With only two minutes before breakfast, I give my little one some options, despite the chaos of a typical weekday morning.
“Purple dress!” my 4-year-old exclaims enthusiastically, her face lighting up with joy. Internally, I roll my eyes. A dress, naturally. She fits the stereotype perfectly, embodying everything “girly.”
I take the dress off the hanger, slipping it over her head and buttoning it up. As she twirls happily on her way to the stairs, I find myself torn. If I’m honest, I’m not thrilled that she’s drawn to frilly clothes and sparkly accessories. I cringe at her love for Cinderella sneakers and tutus over pants. It frustrates me that she prefers these stereotypical “girl” items.
For me, buying those princess sneakers feels like a betrayal of the values I aim to instill in both my daughters. It’s as if I’m questioning my own teachings. But when it comes down to it, if that’s what she wants and they don’t cost extra, how can I deny her? Is it really causing any harm? Why am I not supporting her choices?
On the flip side, I absolutely adore my older daughter’s style, often showering her with praise for her cool, edgy looks. She gravitates toward gender-neutral clothing, loves blue, and sports Converse high-tops and baseball tees. I can see she’s picked up on my notion that being different is admirable. Unlike her younger sister, she doesn’t fret over fashion or obsess about her wardrobe. She doesn’t care about the “twirl factor,” and it’s clear I respond differently to each of them based on their preferences.
This disparity in my reactions weighs on me. I recognize it’s unfair, and I take responsibility for it. I also find myself wrestling with the complicated relationship between feminism and fashion. Some argue that caring about appearance contradicts feminist values, while others assert that fashion is a powerful form of self-expression and, therefore, aligns with feminist principles.
It’s a perplexing situation. Society often promotes the idea that true feminism involves rejecting beauty norms and embracing a natural look. But I don’t like my post-baby body, and admitting it doesn’t make me vain. The only thing keeping me from surgery is my budget. I’m not ready to embrace my gray hair either, though I know doing so might earn me accolades for being “real.” Yet, there’s also pressure not to appear old, which is a whole other mixed message.
I enjoy makeup, shaving my legs, and slipping into beautiful heels. And yes, my youngest daughter adores sparkly shoes and all things pretty. There’s no shame in wanting to feel beautiful. Young girls and women should not be criticized for loving “girly” attire or accessories. My preference for personal grooming doesn’t diminish my authenticity or feminist ideals. I can still be a feminist while wearing chic outfits and heels.
Caring about appearance doesn’t define our worth. My daughter’s love for fashion doesn’t make her any less noble or intelligent. She has a multitude of interests beyond her clothing choices. At just four, her world includes winning at Twister, savoring chocolate milk through fun straws, and excelling at gymnastics. Her preferences in attire don’t tie to her value; she simply enjoys beautiful things.
Instead of lamenting, “Oh no, my daughter loves dresses—what have I done wrong as a feminist mother?” I should celebrate her individuality. Who am I to label her princess shoes as unattractive or anti-feminist? She wouldn’t fully grasp these concepts at her age anyway. If she enjoys twirly dresses and sparkly headbands, that’s her right. If it takes her a bit longer to dress than her sister, so be it. She’s navigating her own path, and I choose to honor that journey.
Caring about one’s appearance doesn’t mean ignoring deeper issues. I manage to care about my looks while being deeply concerned about my daughter’s well-being, social injustices, and the planet.
So, what does it matter if my child enjoys fashion? It’s a facet of her personality, not the entirety of it. As her mother, I am resolved to support her choices, knowing that they are part of what makes her unique.
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Summary
A mother reflects on her conflicting feelings about her daughters’ clothing choices, particularly her youngest’s love for “girly” items. She realizes the importance of supporting her daughter’s preferences and recognizes that caring about appearance doesn’t diminish one’s authenticity or feminist values. The mother resolves to embrace her daughter’s individuality and celebrate her choices.