Recently, my son Lucas went on a field trip to our local museum. When I picked him up, his teacher took a moment to share a story. During the trip, the kids were given stone shards to carve into arrowheads. Lucas received a particularly large piece, and when a nearby girl expressed her hope for a similar one, he immediately handed over his shard.
I share this story not just to boast about my son but to highlight the values I am instilling in him. Lucas consistently embraces opportunities to show kindness and empathy. He derives joy from uplifting others, even at his own expense. That girl’s future generosity will likely stem from this small act of kindness.
While much of this is inherent to Lucas—he has a naturally generous spirit—he is also sensitive and empathetic. He can get upset easily and sometimes struggles to articulate his feelings. For some, this would indicate that he is too soft and in need of “tough love” to prepare him for life’s challenges. However, I firmly disagree with that notion and will not impose it on him.
I refuse to try to harden him for the harsh realities of life.
As a child myself, I often heard the phrase “toughen up.” I was encouraged to remain silent about significant issues that deserved attention. Many of us have faced moments where our emotions were dismissed, and that can be profoundly damaging. I want a different narrative for my children.
I’m not advocating for them to wallow for days over minor disappointments, like not getting the biggest slice of cake at a party. Instead, I want them to express their emotions freely, whether they’re feeling sad, angry, or even happy. It’s essential to confront feelings and process them healthily; otherwise, emotions can fester and transform into resentment.
We can raise children who are kind, compassionate, and emotionally aware. Expressing emotions does not signify weakness.
When we engage in acts of kindness—such as holding the door open, volunteering, or sharing a meal with someone in need—our kids observe and internalize these behaviors. They also notice when we tell them to toughen up or minimize their feelings. When they approach us with their concerns, regardless of how trivial we may perceive them, the best response is to acknowledge their struggles and guide them through them. We should cultivate safe spaces for them to process their emotions rather than repress them. Just like any skill, the more we practice emotional expression, the better we become at it.
Our children will inevitably face pain and hardship; that’s one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. I want my kids to learn to navigate these obstacles in constructive ways. It’s crucial that I do not teach them to simply endure pain without acknowledging it, nor should I convey that emotional expression is something to be ashamed of.
If we instill the belief that they must suppress their feelings, they may struggle to help others when they see someone in distress, as they won’t know how to manage their own emotions. This creates a barrier to compassion.
When children exhibit kindness and show they care about others’ feelings, it reflects the love they have received. This all begins with small gestures, like letting the child next to them have the larger arrowhead.
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In summary, I choose to raise my children in an environment where emotions are validated and kindness is encouraged. Teaching them to embrace their feelings and express them healthily is far more valuable than trying to toughen them up for a challenging world.