Recently, while rummaging through my jewelry box for a pair of earrings, my fingers brushed against a tarnished ring. I pulled it out, recognizing a piece of jewelry I had forgotten, yet its significance lingered long after I stopped wearing it. If you grew up in the ’80s and were part of a Christian youth group, you might have worn a True Love Waits ring, meant to symbolize a commitment to sexual purity until marriage.
As I examined the ring, still intact but dull in appearance, the bold black letters emblazoned with my promise felt as striking as ever — a testament to the years of conditioning that followed. Instead of joyful memories, my upbringing in purity culture was filled with shame, confusion, anger, and frustration.
The True Love Waits Movement
The True Love Waits movement aimed to honor God through abstinence until marriage, which was expected to occur between a Christian young man and woman. Same-sex marriage was not just illegal; it was deemed unacceptable by religious standards. We were encouraged to save our virginity for marriage, after which we could engage in sex freely. However, the primary purpose of sex was often boiled down to procreation, leading to the expectation of quickly transitioning from newlyweds to parents.
Navigating Intimacy
Navigating intimacy after years of being taught that sex was dirty or sinful was far from straightforward. We were given no guidance on sex, bodies, or consent. The only message we received was a stern “don’t do it.” The fear of being caught, whether through an unplanned pregnancy or an STD that required parental intervention, loomed large.
The issue isn’t necessarily the choice to wait until marriage for sex; that’s a valid path for many. The problem lies in the toxic messages perpetuated by the True Love Waits rhetoric, which bred guilt and shame. How could adults expect us to transition smoothly from being single to married after years of being told that sex was wrong? The reality was far more complex.
The Cycle of Shame
As teenagers, we were led to believe that our sexual desires would lead us to damnation. This resulted in a cycle of sneaking around with our crushes, only to repent afterward. For someone like me, a perfectionist, the True Love Waits ideology became all-consuming. Questions swirled in my mind: Does God still love me? What’s the threshold for divine judgment? Shouldn’t my love for God outweigh my desire for physical affection? This way of thinking complicated not just my relationship with my boyfriend, but also my relationship with myself and with God.
Dating and Marriage
Dating was equated with marrying; we didn’t call it courtship, but that’s essentially what it was. A date was only permissible if the person was “marriage material,” defined as another Christian who was also a virgin. We were told that sex complicates relationships by creating an emotional bond that should be sacred, supported by a few out-of-context Bible verses that constituted our Sex Ed.
One girl from our youth group faced an unplanned pregnancy and was pressured to marry her boyfriend immediately. The message was clear: the sooner they started their life together, the better. Living with shame was not an option; marriage was presented as the ultimate solution. Once married, there was no room for failure, as divorce was equated with sin.
The Absurdity of Rushing
Encouraging children, yes, teenagers are still children, to rush into finding “the one” was absurd. The belief that it’s “better to marry than burn with passion” pushed us to tie the knot with our soulmates as soon as possible.
The Impact of True Love Waits
What bothers me most about True Love Waits is how it instilled shame in everyone, regardless of the paths we chose. Those who engaged in premarital sex were left with a warped understanding of God’s love and judgment. Meanwhile, those who waited grappled with negative messages about their bodies, sexuality, and marriage. And for LGBTQ+ individuals, they were made to feel like abominations.
There are no winners in this scenario. Some of us have started to unravel the shame of the True Love Waits ideology through therapy and education, while many are still suffering in silence. It’s concerning to think that some may still endorse the TLW mindset, passing it down to their children.
A Message of Love
If you were part of the True Love Waits culture, hear this: God loves you, and nothing you did or didn’t do alters that truth. It’s worth noting that Joshua Harris, who authored “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” — a book advocating for sexual purity — has since renounced his own work. We have a chance to do better for our children, fostering open conversations about bodies, relationships, and consent rather than perpetuating harmful messages.
I chose not to discard my True Love Waits ring; it serves as a powerful reminder of my journey and the issues I’m still overcoming. I am happily married to the person I “waited” for, but I attribute our success not to the True Love Waits message, but to our decision to break free from the toxic culture of shame and embrace our authentic selves.