A little head rests against my shoulder, deeply asleep, mouth agape. I can feel every gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathes. The sweetness of her breath is intoxicating, and I find myself kissing her face repeatedly. In this moment, I experience a profound happiness and tranquility that feels almost unattainable. My usually racing and anxious thoughts settle into a peaceful calm. It’s a feeling like no other, this newborn bliss that my child brings.
I am captivated by every tiny detail. The soft skin, the perfectly curled eyelashes, and the delicate shape of their ears. Those tiny fingers with their long, slender nails and those adorable wrinkled toes—oh, don’t get me started on those toes! The scent of their freshly washed hair and the little folds of their neck are enchanting. Each startle, yawn, sneeze, and stretch feels like a glimpse into the secrets of the universe. I could gaze at them forever.
Their attachment brings me comfort. The bond we share is simple yet intense. This natural symbiosis nourishes both of our souls. For me, the rush of oxytocin surpasses any medication. There’s no struggle for independence, no brushing away my affection; just a complete surrender to my overwhelming love. I wish I could envelop all my kids in this love indefinitely. Holding, nursing, and wrapping them in cozy carriers calms my overactive mind and brings me true euphoria, making me feel whole.
I find relief and gratitude in the limitations that newborns impose. The social pressures fade away in those first months with a new baby. Days are spent in spit-up stained sweatshirts, under warm blankets, with few distractions. Older siblings gather for family movie nights, and despite the inevitable chaos, it all feels so comforting.
Yet, this newborn stage is fleeting. It must be, as it is so consuming and tiring. It passes in an instant, leaving little behind. Umbilical stumps fall off, toes grow smelly, and swaddles are tucked away. Today, as my fourth and final baby scurries around the kitchen calling my name, I feel a deep sense of loss.
It’s a selfish grief, one that I sometimes feel guilty for admitting. I’m incredibly thankful for the gifts I have, yet I can’t help but desire more. I want to move forward with my four growing children while still holding onto that delightful feeling of having a tiny human snuggled on my shoulder. The thought of never experiencing that joy again is unfathomable.
So how do I let go?
Right now, I’m working on shifting my mindset. I’m focusing on the gratitude I have for my current blessings rather than what I’ve left behind. I’m trying to get excited about the upcoming stages of life I have yet to experience. I’m imagining a future where my older kids can walk, feed, and care for themselves. I’m also limiting my social media exposure because the algorithm keeps showing me videos of cooing babies set to heart-wrenching music. Most importantly, I’m giving myself time, hoping that one day, the longing will lessen.
Someday, I’ll be able to see a newborn without wishing for another of my own. Someday, I’ll look through old hospital photos without a desperate desire to go back. Someday, I’ll discover that newborn bliss in other aspects of my life. Someday. But not today.
Emma Thompson is a former attorney and mother of four who enjoys expressing herself through writing. She resides in Beverly, Massachusetts, and shares her journey on Instagram @emmathompsonwrites.
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Summary:
The author expresses a profound sense of joy and attachment during the fleeting newborn stage of her children. She grapples with the bittersweet feelings of loss as her last baby grows, longing for the simplicity and bliss of those early days. While she recognizes the need to embrace change and focus on gratitude, the desire for the newborn experience remains strong.