Lifestyle Insights
Updated: February 6, 2021 | Originally Published: April 6, 2018
Disclaimer: This article is not intended as medical advice. The CDC advises against smoking during pregnancy.
To begin, my first child was somewhat of an afterthought. It was the culmination of a spontaneous decision made one night while I was out with friends, indulging in drinks and cigarettes at a local venue where smoking was still permitted. I was a dedicated smoker, consuming about a pack of Marlboro Light 100’s daily, often enhanced by a cigarette holder, a remnant of my graduate school days. My smoking habit had started in college, where I was also managing undiagnosed ADHD, leading me to seek out stimulants, including copious amounts of energy drinks.
When the pregnancy test revealed two blue lines, excitement mingled with apprehension. I reached out to the lone midwife in town, who suggested valerian root as a remedy to help me quit smoking. However, I quickly realized that this advice was ineffective.
A couple of weeks into my pregnancy, I experienced a threatened miscarriage — which later turned out to be caused by a minor issue related to cervical bleeding. This event sent me into a spiral of despair, culminating in a five-hour ER visit where I was inconsolable, questioning my choices and feeling overwhelmed by prenatal depression, which is more common than many realize.
For those who are unaware, prenatal depression can mirror typical depression, manifesting as a loss of interest in life, overwhelming fatigue, and even thoughts of self-harm. The only reason I didn’t act on those darker thoughts was my unwavering desire to protect my unborn child. Consequently, I found myself using whatever energy I had to survive, leaving little room to combat my nicotine addiction.
Thus, I continued to smoke, albeit discreetly — 2-3 cigarettes a day, often in secret. My husband attempted to conceal my stash, but I always found them. I resorted to asking friends to buy cigarettes for me, all while trying to keep my habits hidden from those around me, including my own mother, who visited during my eighth month without suspecting anything.
Even during labor, when the pain intensified, I found myself sneaking cigarettes, using them as a coping mechanism until the time came to transition to the midwife. After a prolonged labor at the hospital, I was so absorbed in the chaotic world of new motherhood that I completely forgot about smoking for days.
In retrospect, my son appears to have suffered no immediate adverse effects from my smoking. His ADHD is genetic, and while he did experience eczema, it seems to be a family trait. Yet, I still find myself worrying about the long-term consequences of my actions during pregnancy. I often wonder if my smoking might have triggered some hidden genetic predisposition, leading to future health issues.
I didn’t enjoy smoking during my pregnancy, but despite my love for my unborn child, I felt powerless to stop. If I could have quit, I would have. The combination of depression and anxiety made it incredibly challenging to break free from my addiction. I wished for the strength to stop then, and I continue to wish for it now.
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Summary:
My journey through pregnancy while smoking was fraught with guilt and fear. Despite the challenges of prenatal depression and the struggle to quit, I ultimately found solace in motherhood, leaving my smoking habit behind once my son was born. While I worry about potential long-term effects, my love for my child has always been my guiding force.