For nearly two years, I have been deliberately minimizing interactions with my family, not out of a desire to distance myself from them, but to protect my children. Initially, it was their views on my two-mom household that disheartened me. But as my teenage son matured, their remarks shifted to the notion that “he needs a father figure” and, eventually, to my younger daughter’s weight gain. It became increasingly clear that for the well-being of my family, avoidance was the best course of action.
The pandemic made it easier to maintain this distance and stalled my efforts to establish boundaries regarding discussions about weight, especially concerning my children. I grew up in an environment where my family’s comments about weight were ever-present, making me acutely aware of my own body image and eating habits. Now, as my kids—aged five and 14—form relationships with my family, it’s my duty to safeguard their mental and emotional well-being regarding their bodies and self-esteem.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with family can be a daunting task, especially for me. However, once boundaries are established, they become easier to maintain. The impact of our family’s words on us as parents and on our children is significant. My daughter, whose twin sister has a completely different physique, has already noticed the differences at just five years old. She asks heartbreaking questions like, “My belly is big, isn’t it?” and “Will you still love me if I can’t fit into that?” As her parents, we strive to remind her of her beauty and that her worth is not defined by her appearance, but by her kind and loving nature.
It’s not just about my daughter; my son faces a different set of comments due to his tall, thin frame and selective eating habits influenced by sensory issues and medications that suppress his appetite. I used to pressure him to eat more, fearing he would miss out on vital nutrients, but I’ve learned to allow him to listen to his own body.
The Importance of Support
Every child deserves to feel cherished in every interaction with family, both immediate and extended. My family often expresses concerns about our children’s eating habits, but as Dr. Kahan noted in a 2015 blog post, “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice.” It’s painful when the people who should love you unconditionally become sources of shame.
While we cannot predict our children’s future health, we understand the negative long-term effects that shaming can have today, including anxiety and eating disorders. As Marlene Schwartz, a psychologist and director of the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, stated in an NPR interview, “Teasing a child does not motivate them to lose weight; it often causes harm.” Our ultimate goal should be to uplift, not harm.
Advocating for Our Children
When family members make remarks about our children’s bodies, it is our responsibility to remind them to refrain from such discussions, as we are the ones tasked with our children’s well-being. The American Journal of Pediatrics advocates for a non-judgmental approach, which families should adopt too. Their December 2020 statement emphasizes the importance of reducing weight bias in pediatric care.
Instead of shaming our kids, let’s offer them support. My daughter’s pediatrician exemplified this approach by encouraging me to promote healthy eating while also fostering body positivity. His words mattered to both of us, just as the words of our family members do.
It’s my role as my daughter’s mother to protect her, to advocate for her when she lacks the words, and to create clear boundaries with my family. Discussions about her weight will no longer be tolerated. My family’s intentions may be good, but their comments can do more harm than good. I wish for them to shower my daughter with love and encouragement, reminding her that she is so much more than just her body. Ultimately, the protection I provide her is a gift I never received.
Further Reading
For further insights on topics related to pregnancy and home insemination, check out this great resource and another relevant post from our blog here.
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Summary
This article discusses the importance of protecting children from harmful family comments about their weight. The author shares personal experiences about establishing boundaries with family to ensure their children feel loved and valued beyond their physical appearance. It emphasizes the need for supportive, non-judgmental communication within families to foster healthy self-esteem in children.