When it comes to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), misconceptions abound. For starters, just because someone is neat or likes organization does not mean they can casually claim they are “soooo OCD” about various things. Enjoying order and having a penchant for lists do not equate to a serious mental health condition. Another common fallacy is that all individuals with OCD are consumed by fears of cleanliness and germs. While worries about contamination and compulsive cleaning are indeed prevalent, the reality of living with OCD is far more complex—and often quite grimy.
Those with OCD might experience recurring thoughts (obsessions) or repetitive behaviors (compulsions), or both, as I do. My intrusive thoughts can be quite horrifying. I’ve found myself grappling with fears of having harmed someone while driving or imagining violent scenarios involving loved ones. These thoughts are far from concerns about cleanliness; they are gory and distressing. The dread of these thoughts becoming reality torments me—not because I’m concerned about messiness, but because I abhor the idea of being the source of such pain.
The more I attempt to suppress these obsessions, the more intense they become. Over time, I’ve learned to let them come and go. I understand that I won’t act on these thoughts in the same way I engage in my compulsive behaviors.
Unlike many who experience OCD, my compulsions aren’t centered around mess or dirt. I don’t obsess over sanitizing after handshakes or shudder at the thought of touching public surfaces. In fact, I view germs as beneficial to our immune systems; I relish in sweat, dirt, and the occasional unconventional method of “cleaning” my hands—like wiping them on grass or my shirt.
Some people have ventured into my seemingly disordered car, exclaiming, “I thought you had OCD. This is disgusting!” First off, my car isn’t that bad! And secondly, my compulsions are often far more unsettling than a little clutter. I don’t relish these behaviors; they’re simply a part of my condition. When the urge strikes, it’s like a toxin that can only be alleviated by acting out the ritual. Unfortunately, the relief is fleeting, and the anxiety returns.
There isn’t always a rationale behind a specific ritual. Early in my journey, while trying to find the right treatment for my OCD and PTSD, I developed a bizarre compulsion: smelling my dog’s waste. After cleaning up after him, I’d repeatedly bring the bag to my face, inhaling deeply. I despised the odor and wasn’t checking for illness; it was a compulsive act I couldn’t control. The longer I engaged in this ritual, the more I loathed both the smell and myself. Shame thrives in secrecy, which only perpetuated my anxiety and compulsive behaviors. Eventually, I confided in my therapist, and we devised a plan to confront it, realizing it was simply a manifestation of my OCD.
I’ve also struggled with skin-picking and have touched things that would make most people recoil. OCD has driven me to obsessively check and sniff to the point of exhaustion. I’ve endured filthy environments just to appease an obsessive urge to urinate, despite not actually needing to go. My anxiety about potentially not finding a bathroom drives me to repeat the process multiple times before leaving any location. I’ve held my breath for long stretches in unsanitary conditions, all in the name of quelling my fears.
OCD often feels like being trapped in an undesirable place. It’s not about maintaining a tidy life with immaculate surroundings. For me, it’s a struggle for control in a mind that feels chaotic and dark, sometimes leading me to very unpleasant situations.
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In summary, OCD is a complex mental health condition that goes beyond cleanliness and organization. It can manifest in many ways, including distressing thoughts and compulsive behaviors that may seem illogical or repulsive. The struggle is real, but understanding and support can pave the way toward management and healing.