We’ve all heard that cousins are like early friends, and for some, that sentiment rings true. However, not everyone enjoys that kind of bond with their extended family—and I certainly don’t.
For a long time, I envied friends who shared warm, close-knit ties with their relatives. I’d scroll through social media, seeing their family dinners and holiday gatherings, wishing I had that kind of connection. But as I reflected, I recognized that my longing stemmed from an idealized image of family life that I lacked. If my family were that close-knit, I suspect I would find it overwhelming.
Despite occasionally wishing for a relationship with my extended family, I’ve come to accept that it’s not what I truly want. The reality is that family dynamics are rarely as vibrant as they appear on television. Even when witnessing friends with seemingly tight relationships with their cousins, I began to realize there’s so much more beneath the surface that we don’t see.
Every family has its cliques and unspoken loyalties. Drama is inevitable, and often, it’s easier to just steer clear. On my dad’s side, I have a multitude of cousins, but because my father was much older when he had me, I’m significantly younger than the rest. They grew up together while I often felt like an outsider. Now, as my cousins approach their late 40s and 50s, there’s a sudden push for family gatherings, spearheaded by an older cousin who started a group chat. While I appreciate the effort, I’m not inclined to join in.
It’s not that simple to force familial bonds. Most of my extended family never made an effort to get to know me throughout my life. At 33, I haven’t been hiding away. Growing up, I was somewhat isolated, and my dad’s relationship with his siblings was far from close. As we’ve all matured, particularly with the rise of social media, they could have reached out—but they didn’t. They all seem aware of my life, yet I know little about theirs.
In recent years, my cousins began contacting me, primarily after my son was born. Suddenly, they wanted to reconnect, but only because one of them had a baby too. Initially, I accepted their social media requests, but soon realized that having a child isn’t my only contribution to the family narrative. These relatives I barely knew suddenly wanted to video chat and be part of my life, which felt intrusive. I quickly decided to put a stop to it.
This brings me to why I’m ignoring the group chat. I understand that as people get older, their perspectives can shift, often leading to a renewed focus on family. That’s fine, but not everyone will share that sentiment. Just because they’re looking to reconnect doesn’t mean I have to be part of their midlife reckoning. Count me out.
Does this make me seem unkind? Perhaps, but I can’t let that bother me. Choosing not to pursue a relationship with my extended family is entirely my choice. We are not obligated to share our lives with relatives simply because of blood ties. This notion that we must prioritize family above all else needs to change.
Family can be defined in many ways. To me, family consists of those I choose to let into my life, and they don’t have to be related by blood. My extended family is filled with dysfunction, and I’ve opted for distance. Instead, I cherish the idea of a chosen family. I’ve cultivated close friendships, and my oldest friends are like aunts and uncles to my son, with their kids being his cousins. They offer me more love and support than my biological relatives ever have.
As I grow older, I recognize that extended family ties aren’t guaranteed. There can be various reasons why they may or may not be part of your life, and that’s perfectly okay! The key takeaway is that you shouldn’t feel guilty for not maintaining a relationship with your extended family. Blood doesn’t grant automatic entry into your life.
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In summary, relationships with extended family can be complicated and are not always fulfilling. It’s essential to recognize that you have the right to choose who you allow into your life, regardless of familial ties.