One afternoon before nap time, I snuggled with my two-year-old twins, Alex and Jamie, as we flipped through their cherished board books. Alex pointed at a girl in one of the illustrations and declared, “That’s me.” Jamie, on the other hand, pointed to a boy and announced, “That’s me too.” I paused, taken aback, and finally asked, “Jamie, are you saying you’re a boy?” He nodded, and Alex chimed in, “And I’m a girl.”
When the ultrasound revealed male anatomy, my partner and I were excited to welcome what we thought were two boys into our family. We told our daughter that she would soon have two brothers, and when they were born, our expectations seemed confirmed: two boys, whom we affectionately called “the twins.”
However, by 18 months, Alex began expressing her preference for skirts, dresses, and all things pink. We initially thought she was simply a boy who liked wearing dresses. As long as we could leave the house without a tantrum, we didn’t mind. But soon, Alex made it clear she identified as a girl. When she pointed to the little girl in the book with long hair and a beautiful gown, it became obvious that this was how she saw herself. We found ourselves grappling with a common question: Was she too young to truly understand her gender identity?
In contrast, our oldest daughter had always identified as a girl, and Jamie had consistently identified as a boy. The distinction wasn’t about age; it was about Alex’s label not matching the one on her birth certificate. She never claimed to be a boy—never.
Our research revealed that children can recognize their gender identity as early as two or three years old. We never imposed a label on Alex; however, we also didn’t dismiss her feelings. Our role as parents compelled us to listen closely to what she was communicating. What we heard were the persistent and clear words of a child who knew she was a girl, regardless of her biological sex.
But fear crept in. Despite our love for Alex, we felt uncertain about what steps to take. For several months, we navigated a gender-neutral space, referring to her as our “big kid” instead of “big boy.” We wondered if this was just a phase or if she believed she had to identify as a girl to enjoy wearing dresses. Yet, Alex’s frustration with being misgendered by us and others became impossible to ignore.
One morning, she burst into tears when her older sister, who she admired deeply, asked whether she wanted to be a boy or a girl. In that moment, we understood: Alex was born a girl. It was us who needed to adapt, not her.
Just before she turned three, with support from transgender friends, educators, psychologists, and our pediatrician, we began introducing Alex as a girl. In the future, she may opt for hormone blockers to delay male puberty, followed possibly by female hormones and surgical procedures as part of her transition. But for now, she is our joyful little girl, loved and supported.
I wish every transgender individual had the same privilege. Tragically, statistics indicate that 40% of transgender individuals attempt suicide. Rejection from family and friends, bullying, and discrimination contribute to this alarming statistic. However, transgender individuals who receive support from their families are 82% less likely to consider suicide.
For parents who reject their child’s true gender identity, the consequences are dire: your child is 13 times more likely to attempt suicide than a transgender child who feels fully loved and accepted. These are sobering facts.
And if Alex decides to change her mind in the future? We will adapt. Over the past year, embracing change has positively impacted all of us. I’d much rather have a happy child than one who feels alone and rejected.
I wish all parents could share this perspective, but not everyone does. I’ve penned multiple essays detailing my experience as the parent of a transgender child. Contrary to misconceptions, I’m not seeking fame or validation. I write because I’m a writer, and writers share their stories. I write to advocate for my child and for other transgender kids who lack a voice. I also aim to support fellow parents of transgender children.
I will persist in sharing our journey until people stop making hurtful comments like:
- “This trans stuff is nonsense.”
- “A child can’t determine their gender at 4–5 years old. This is just parents imposing their beliefs.”
- “Children are too young for these decisions. They lack the understanding to grasp their choices.”
Please, don’t drop your child into the ocean—such statements are dangerous. Ignoring your child’s identity could literally be a matter of life and death.
Parenting a transgender child can be daunting. Loving my daughter wholeheartedly means facing a barrage of criticism and misconceptions. It’s terrifying to think some believe I’m harming her for allowing her to embrace her true self. It’s disheartening to witness how some people choose hatred over understanding.
Yet, having a transgender child is also profoundly beautiful. I’ve learned what it means to love without limits, and I see the joy radiating from my child, who is finally being validated and living her truth amidst the ignorance of others.
I didn’t force Alex into this identity or influence her gender. I didn’t choose this path for her. What I did choose was to support her happiness and well-being. At the end of the day, I know I’m on the right side of this conversation. I’m not better or worse; I’m simply aligned with love and acceptance. With that certainty, I will continue to share our story.
For those interested in topics surrounding home insemination and parenting, you can explore more about our journey at Make a Mom. Additionally, if you’re looking for delightful recipes like pumpkin spice pancakes, check out Intracervical Insemination. Lastly, for comprehensive information on fertility treatments, March of Dimes provides excellent resources.
In summary, sharing our story is about fostering understanding and acceptance for transgender children. It’s a journey filled with challenges, but the love we have for our daughter drives us to advocate for her right to live authentically.