Mental Health
One mother shares her journey of balancing the differing needs of her children.
When my son Lucas and daughter Mia were infants, I promised myself they would always feel secure in our home. Deep down, I understood that fostering a calm and stable environment was essential to my parenting approach. However, everything changed when Lucas began displaying aggressive behavior towards his little sister.
Lucas is on the autism spectrum and was diagnosed at five years old, after my maternal instincts suggested something was amiss since his birth. Now nearly ten, Lucas’s unpredictable behavior often manifests violently, with moments of calm quickly spiraling into aggression, occasionally aimed at Mia, who is smaller and more vulnerable. He has shown alarming tendencies, such as attempting to strangle her and even pushing her down the stairs.
As Lucas’s aggression escalated, Mia, once an adventurous and fearless child, began to develop an overwhelming sense of fear regarding almost everything. I noticed her discomfort in crowded places, her jumpiness at loud sounds, and her growing terror of tornadoes, despite their rarity in our area. She grew increasingly anxious about people using wheelchairs or crutches, convinced that proximity would lead to similar ailments. Additionally, she started experiencing stomachaches and constantly worried that our house would catch fire. The anxiety affected her school attendance, and she struggled to sleep at night, dreading the following day. Activities she once loved, like horseback riding, became sources of dread rather than joy.
I started to realize that Mia’s fears were likely connected to Lucas’s behavior. Plainly put, my little girl didn’t consistently feel safe at home.
It often feels as if my primary role is managing Lucas’s needs—his environment, services, and education—yet I realized I had inadvertently overlooked Mia’s emotional health in the four years since Lucas’s diagnosis. Now, she was in desperate need of support.
I contacted the school to arrange social-emotional testing for Mia. Over several weeks, she worked with a school psychologist who administered a variety of standardized tests. These assessments primarily involved her linking emotions to various situations, while I filled out extensive questionnaires regarding her anxiety. The school district analyzed this data and prepared a report. After the testing was complete, we planned to meet with the school team to create an Individualized Education Program (IEP) tailored to Mia’s needs.
When the school psychologist called to discuss the results, my prior experience with Lucas’s providers made me apprehensive, as a personal call often indicated concerning findings.
What she shared confirmed my fears. When asked about what made her sad, Mia immediately mentioned, “my brother.” She expressed to the therapist that her family “would be better without Lucas.” In a color-coded assessment of the people in her life, Mom and Dad were green, while Lucas was marked red.
Research supports the notion that siblings of children with autism can suffer when their needs are overlooked, often internalizing emotions such as sadness, fear, or loneliness, which can lead to physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches. Mia’s psychological evaluation indicated that her internalizing behavior was “clinically significant.” This report validated my concerns about her struggles and provided a clearer focus on how to support her. I also learned to identify triggers for Lucas, enabling me to intervene before his aggression escalated. Consequently, I intensified my efforts with his providers to manage his violent reactions, particularly towards Mia.
Finding Mia her own therapist proved challenging, especially since the COVID-19 pandemic has increased demand for mental health services. Many counselors were not accepting new patients, but I placed Mia on multiple waitlists. I made it clear that I could be flexible with scheduling, and to my surprise, she was taken off the waitlist fairly quickly. Being as available as possible increases your chances of finding a therapist; once you are a current patient, it is often easier to adjust your appointment time.
Four years ago, when Lucas received his autism diagnosis, I understood there would be a steep learning curve ahead. However, I never anticipated the extent to which it would impact Mia. I wish I could present a simple solution to alleviate the anxiety of having a sibling with ASD and challenging behaviors. Yet, my family’s journey since the diagnosis has underscored the importance of addressing each child’s needs, ensuring that neither is neglected.
For more insightful content about parenting and navigating family dynamics, check out this post from our blog. It’s essential to stay informed and connected. Additionally, this resource offers valuable insights into related topics.
Summary
This article discusses a mother’s experience managing the conflicting needs of her children, particularly in light of her son’s autism and its impact on his younger sister. As the son exhibits aggressive behavior, the daughter develops significant anxiety, prompting the mother to seek help for both children. The narrative emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing the emotional needs of all children in a family affected by autism.