My partner, Mark, is practically flawless, and I find it a bit frustrating. He’s the type of person who meticulously writes everything down, never forgets a bill, and always remembers to replace the air filter. His wardrobe remains impeccably organized, and there’s not a stray French fry from six months ago lurking in his car. With a memory like an elephant, he rarely forgets anything.
In contrast, I feel like I’m in a constant state of chaos. While I may appear to have my life together, internally, I’m more akin to a post-Christmas sale at Walmart. My laundry is perpetually piled high, remnants of meals from months ago clutter my car, and my days revolve around addressing the latest crises brought on by my teenagers. To put it simply: I feel like I’m not measuring up most days.
Before becoming a parent, I excelled at adulting and keeping track of details. I maintained meticulous lists, adhered to a cleaning schedule, and my car was always spotless. I even managed to put on makeup every day, and when I donned yoga pants, it meant I was ready to work out. Intimacy with Mark was a priority, and I made time for him.
However, once diapers and braces entered the picture, I lost my grip on things. It became evident that regaining that control would be a distant dream. When we decided to start a family, I stepped into the role of primary caregiver, which meant I took charge of daily chores while enjoying the freedom of not needing to wear “real” clothes every day. I believed my skills would easily translate to managing our family dynamic, assuming it would be as valuable as Mark’s career outside the home.
Initially, I managed well. But as motherhood took over, the chaos grew. The Lego piles multiplied, tantrums disrupted my attempts to empty the dishwasher, and playdates that ran late wreaked havoc on naptime. The unrelenting demands of the kids shattered any semblance of a schedule I had established early on. For someone like me, who thrives on control, losing it feels like discovering your favorite coffee shop has gone caffeine-free. And the laundry? There’s just so much of it.
Now, thirteen years into parenting, I often feel like I’m not contributing my fair share. Mark consistently holds up his end—providing for our family, remembering essential details like our mortgage and retirement plans, and ensuring my car has enough gas. He juggles a busy schedule yet never falters when it comes to supporting our family or me. Whenever he returns home to a house in disarray, I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. Some days, I’m preoccupied with negotiating with the insurance company, and other days, I can’t tackle the laundry because our dog is unwell. I strive to maintain harmony and wish I could ensure everyone has clean clothes more consistently.
Despite my struggles with the daily grind of stay-at-home parenting, I try to practice self-compassion. I prioritize my family and, thanks to my background in nursing, I’m quite adept at handling the daily emergencies that arise. While everyone gets what they need when they need it, it might not be as organized as I once managed, and that’s perfectly fine.
Marriage doesn’t hinge on perfection or executing everything flawlessly. It’s about waking up every day, knowing your partner is doing their best. Mark understands that I give my all from dawn to dusk and often finds humor in my mishaps. He never expects me to be a superhero and doesn’t make me feel inadequate. When he looks at me amid the chaos of our home, I realize he’s not in love with my meticulously crafted lists; he embraces my imperfections instead.
Every partnership has that one person who holds the family together, and I’m proud to be that glue. Glue can be messy and unpredictable, revealing when there’s too much or too little. The trick is to find the right balance. It conceals a multitude of flaws and can repair even the most shattered objects. So yes, I’m the adhesive in our relationship, the slightly adhesive rubber cement that mends the best kinds of messes, and Mark is stuck with me, flaws and all.
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Summary
In this reflective piece, Laura Jenkins shares her candid experiences of feeling overwhelmed as a stay-at-home parent compared to her seemingly perfect partner, Mark. She recounts the challenges of maintaining household order amid the chaos of raising children, contrasting her past organizational skills with her current reality. Despite the struggles, she emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and the strength found in their partnership. Ultimately, she embraces her role as the “glue” of their family, celebrating imperfections and the love that persists through it all.