From my early school days in kindergarten right through to 11th grade, my mother was deeply involved in the PTA, often taking on the role of president. While I appreciate her intentions, when I became a parent, I made a firm decision not to emulate her approach.
My mom was a stay-at-home parent and my sole guardian, which meant she was always on hand to chaperone field trips or help out at bake sales. She was a constant presence at school, dropping me off and then appearing throughout the day to volunteer. This was fine until fifth grade, when a group of girls accused me of receiving special treatment because of my mom’s involvement. They believed my lead role in the school play was due to her friendliness with the teachers, rather than my own talent. This hurt and lingered like a shadow for years.
Achievements—solos, lead roles, good grades—felt undeserved as I grappled with resentment during junior high. I didn’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings, but her presence often felt like it overshadowed my social life. By high school, I accepted her intentions; she was striving to ensure I received the best education possible. But I wished she could have been supportive from a distance. I wanted to enjoy the high school experience without the worry of encountering her unexpectedly in the cafeteria or having teachers report my absences to her.
While I appreciated her fighting to reinstate our favorite history teacher after an unjust dismissal, I ultimately became a pawn in a conflict between her and the principal. That experience prompted my mother to step back, and by then, I had already resolved that my parenting style would differ significantly when I had my own children.
Now that my son is nearing school age, I find myself reflecting on the level of involvement I want in his educational journey. As a work-from-home mom with flexibility in my schedule, I’m open to volunteering for class trips or preparing snacks for bake sales. However, I intend to do something my mother did not—I will actively check in with my son to gauge how he feels about my presence at school. Kids can be tough, and they might tease each other, but I will strive to respect his feelings and give him the space he needs.
I refuse to impose my presence on his school life just because it’s expected of me. Knowing how I felt, I suspect he may not voice his discomfort, so I will be vigilant for signs that indicate whether he appreciates my involvement or would prefer a bit more distance. My own parents never asked me how I felt about my mother’s constant presence until I was an adult, and by then, it was too late to change anything.
Being engaged in my son’s education is a priority, and I will always be available to support him, ensuring he knows I am a significant presence in his life. However, I believe it’s essential for him to carve out his own identity at school. I may not need to attend every school event or participate in every PTA meeting. Running for a board position is definitely not something I envision for myself. Yet, I will communicate my willingness to assist when needed.
I don’t want my identity as a parent to be solely intertwined with my son’s school life. I refuse to let him be known as “the kid whose mom is always around” unless he wants that. As much as I appreciate my mother’s involvement in my education, I don’t want to be a lingering presence in my son’s memories. I want him to know that while I am his biggest advocate and will always stand up for him, he also has a say in how involved I am in his schooling.
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In summary, while I value being involved in my son’s education, I want to ensure he has the autonomy to create his own experiences without my constant presence. My goal is to support him while allowing him the space to grow and develop his own identity.