I never thought I’d say this, but I find myself longing for the experience of pregnancy. After the birth of my third child through a c-section, my doctor took the liberty to ensure my family planning was complete. My partner and I are absolutely certain that we’re done expanding our family—we have no intention of having any more children. The prospect of becoming pregnant again is not something I desire. Our baby-making chapter is closed.
At the time my youngest was a newborn, I felt immense relief knowing that I wouldn’t have to go through pregnancy again. Although my experiences were mostly smooth, the last one took quite a toll on me. And let’s not forget the unforgettable experience of dealing with massive hemorrhoids during my third trimester—definitely not something I ever want to endure again!
However, now that my youngest is nearing two years old, I’ve noticed a shift in my feelings. While I still have absolutely no desire to deal with those flaming, itching woes again, I do find myself missing the experience of being pregnant.
I’ve been pregnant five times: twice, we faced loss in the first trimester, and three times, we welcomed our children into the world. Each time, from the moment I knew I was expecting, I sang to my babies. My shortest pregnancy lasted just seven weeks, while my longest spanned thirty-eight weeks, but in each instance, I poured my love into them through lullabies during those quiet moments. Those memories are some of my most cherished.
I had struggles conceiving, so I sometimes feel a twinge of nostalgia. I’ll never again feel that thrill of seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test after fearing disappointment. There will be no more early ultrasounds revealing tiny heartbeats and jelly-bean-shaped babies that I’d think were the most adorable beings ever. We won’t ever sit down to brainstorm names for a future child.
It’s hard to accept that I won’t feel the gentle flutters of a baby in my belly again or the firm kicks signaling that they’re almost ready to greet the world. We already know our children, and while that reality is wonderful, it carries a bittersweet quality. The excitement of building a family was filled with hope and joy.
If circumstances had been different, I would have loved the opportunity to carry a child for someone else. My pregnancies were relatively easy, and I think I could have been a nurturing surrogate. I would have cherished the chance to help someone fulfill their dream of parenthood.
Yet, the universe had a different plan for me. I was thirty-five when my body finally allowed me to welcome my third child. All three were delivered via c-section, and I faced two losses along the way. With conditions like PCOS and being plus-sized, I know surrogacy is not an option for me.
I feel incredibly grateful that I was able to conceive and carry my children. Our path to parenthood was filled with hurdles, and there were moments when I questioned whether I could ever have children at all. The fact that I now have three healthy kids after three successful pregnancies feels nothing short of miraculous. I’m thankful to have created life with my partner, who is my favorite person.
I realize that many individuals share a deep yearning to experience pregnancy and don’t get to see that dream come true. For those who would give anything to carry even one healthy baby, my longing for pregnancy might seem nonsensical. But I understand that it can be difficult to validate someone else’s feelings when you’re facing your own struggles. I’m not trying to equate my emotions to those who have never experienced pregnancy. Their disappointment is a different kind of heartache.
What I’m expressing is that I miss the beauty of being pregnant. I treasure those months when life was growing inside me, yet there is a tinge of sadness woven into my joyful memories. This kind of reflective sadness is similar to what I feel when reminiscing about my wedding day or fond moments with my late grandparents. I cherish those experiences, but I also wish I could go back and relive them.
When you hold something dear, it’s tough to let it go. That’s how I feel about the idea of never being pregnant again. I miss all the feelings that come with pregnancy. There’s a sprinkle of sadness mixed in with the overwhelming joy that motherhood has brought into my life, and I believe that’s perfectly okay.
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- How to prepare for pregnancy
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In summary, while I am content with my family as it is, I can’t help but miss the experience of being pregnant. The memories are filled with love and joy, yet tinged with a hint of longing that’s natural to feel when something so cherished comes to an end.