In a world where transracial adoptive families often attract extra attention, my daughter and I certainly stand out. Perhaps it’s because she’s unbelievably cute (which she is), or maybe I possess some hidden supermodel genes—though my less-than-ideal photos suggest otherwise.
Most of the attention we receive is positive. My daughter is a joyful little one who is either giggling or calmly observing her surroundings. I know saying this might jinx my luck, but she rarely has public meltdowns as long as she’s well-fed and well-rested. For a one-year-old, that’s quite unusual, and I anticipate the day when I might find myself carrying her out of a store like a flailing sack of potatoes.
I appreciate the compliments. Who wouldn’t enjoy hearing that their child is amazing? However, there are also unwelcome comments, probing questions, and judgmental looks that can really get under my skin. My daughter is black, while I am what I like to call “overwhelmingly white.” With my fair skin and blue eyes, it’s clear to any observer that I didn’t give birth to this child. Yes, she was adopted at birth. Yes, raising a child from a different racial background—especially a black child in America—comes with unique challenges and considerations that we were fully aware of before making our decision. We educated ourselves, read books, and spoke with other families who have adopted transracially.
I understand that curiosity exists. Some individuals may genuinely want to learn about adoption or share their own experiences. Those folks typically ask respectful questions—about the agency we used or the home study process—before saying, “Congratulations, she’s beautiful,” and moving along to the next aisle. I value those interactions and always strive to respond graciously, even on my most fatigued days.
But then there’s another category of people, the ones who ask invasive questions about my daughter’s birth mother, making harsh assumptions. They disguise their curiosity but are really seeking validation for their biases against women or people of color. They have an agenda rooted in superiority, and honestly, I’m not here for it. I am not a spokesperson for adoption education or racial understanding. I don’t owe you my story, my daughter’s story, or any details about our family’s journey. I owe you nothing.
Some adoptive parents feel a duty to be ambassadors for adoption, answering every question in a celebratory manner. While I respect that perspective, it’s not mine. For me, adoption was simply our chosen path to family. Families make decisions daily—whether it’s opting for a vasectomy after completing their family or spacing their children for preferred age gaps. More parents are also turning to fertility treatments to expand their families.
The only difference is that my choices are visible. Would anyone approach a mother with kids who appear close in age to ask why she didn’t space them out more? Or question a parent with a single child about their plans for a second? Probably not. So why is it acceptable to ask invasive questions of families formed through adoption? It simply shouldn’t be.
I’m not asking for much. All I want is to shop for groceries without interruptions, daydream about cute clothes at the store, and enjoy time at the park with my daughter. We’re just a regular family, and we deserve the same respect as anyone else.
If you’re curious about the journey to parenthood through at-home insemination, check out this intracervical insemination syringe kit as a resource. Additionally, for those considering advanced fertility techniques, this guide on endometrial scratching is highly informative. Lastly, for a wealth of knowledge on fertility and pregnancy, don’t miss this podcast by the Cleveland Clinic.
In summary, while curiosity about adoption is natural, it’s essential to respect boundaries and recognize that every family has its own unique story that doesn’t owe explanation to anyone.