With parent-teacher conference season upon us, I often find myself in a familiar scenario. The teacher begins, “So, your child’s grade is ___, and that’s due to…” I sit there thinking, “This sounds promising! My child is really shining.” Other times, however, I find myself wondering, “Wait a minute, is my child slacking off?” But since I don’t know the grade they’re referring to, I ask for clarification. The teacher often responds, “Don’t you check the online portal?”
I reply, “Should I be? I assumed if things were dire, you’d let me know right now. After all, these aren’t my grades.” This usually leads to a moment of silence, and then a look of disbelief. Eventually, teachers express their appreciation for letting them do their jobs and for trusting that kids are getting grades that reflect their own efforts. Occasionally, they’ve informed me, “It’s time for you to step in.” And when that happens, I do.
Most of the time, however, teachers are relieved to know they’re getting a true representation of what my children can achieve without my constant reminders. With 18 years of experience in public education, I understand that fostering independence is crucial for my kids’ success. I often see kindergartners who struggle when they haven’t learned to do things on their own, and the challenges they face at the start of each new school year because their parents have always stepped in.
Just the other night, while at a basketball game, I overheard parents discussing a project due for their sixth graders. Curious, I asked for details since my child hadn’t mentioned it. They admitted they were unaware too but had checked online and encouraged their kids to get started. I simply said, “It’s not my project.” The shock on their faces was palpable. Did they think I didn’t care about my child’s grades? Of course, I care — but I want them to earn their own.
My son, who is gifted in advanced math, received a D this quarter, alongside a C and several B’s. His potential suggests straight A’s, yet I never checked online. I had a hunch it wouldn’t turn out well, especially since he didn’t bring home a backpack the entire quarter. I could have easily monitored his assignments, nagged him about deadlines, and created a cycle of dependence that would lead to extrinsic motivation. But I chose not to.
He needed to understand that these were his grades, not mine. When the report card arrived, I saw that his teachers had given him opportunities to submit missing assignments, but he didn’t take them. He earned those grades, and while I will provide more guidance next quarter, I want him to learn intrinsic motivation — the kind that comes from wanting to achieve for himself, not for a reward or to evade consequences.
If you find yourself asking your child every night about assignments after checking online multiple times, this suggests they are reliant on cues. In educational circles, we call this cue dependency. It means that the grades your child receives reflect your intervention more than their actual abilities.
Let your child navigate the ups and downs of middle school. It’s a vital time for them to discover what works and what doesn’t. My freshman son managed to achieve straight A’s in his first year of high school without me ever peeking online; I simply waited for the report card. Out of twelve quarters in middle school, about half weren’t stellar, but with a little nudging from me, he could have easily had a perfect record. But those grades weren’t mine.
While my kids generally find learning to be quite accessible, they also embody the normal desire to do the bare minimum for an A. This trait helps cultivate their self-motivation. It’s time to let go. Your child is their own individual, and their grades are a reflection of their efforts. So, stop emailing teachers daily about missing grades for assignments you both worked on; your child may have missed the teacher’s announcement about when grades would be posted, knowing you’d handle the follow-up. Hovering won’t help them grow.
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In summary, giving kids the space to manage their own academic responsibilities fosters independence and intrinsic motivation. It’s essential for their growth, allowing them to face challenges without parental intervention.