Where does my Autism begin, and where does it end?
I received my diagnosis seven years ago at the age of 32. It was my partner, Jamie, who first suggested that I might be Autistic. While watching a program about Autistic children, Jamie pointed out, “That boy is just like you.” She couldn’t have been more accurate. A year later, I finally had clarity on so many questions that had puzzled me throughout my life. It was a pivotal moment that transformed everything.
Initially, I felt empowered. I had Autism, and I was eager to share this with everyone—not out of pride, but in hopes of explaining my quirks and behaviors. I wanted to show people there was a reason behind my struggles. However, in my eagerness to make others feel guilty for their doubts, I lost sight of the real purpose of my assessment. Instead of embracing self-discovery, I was more focused on proving my point. I wanted to demonstrate that my annoying habits weren’t entirely my fault, but ironically, this itself became quite annoying.
Once I had informed those who had made me feel inadequate about my “disability” (though I didn’t fully grasp what made it a disability at that time), I began to delve into what being Autistic truly meant for me. This realization led to a significant dilemma; I suddenly found myself questioning my identity. I had always seen myself as a confident guy, a passionate individual, a caring father, a devoted partner, and a loving son. But now, this label of “having” Autism complicated everything. Who was I really?
If so much of my behavior stemmed from my Autism, did that mean I was Alex or was I Autism? The struggle to separate these identities began to consume me. I became obsessed with dissecting my actions and thoughts. “Was that me, or was that my Autism?” I found myself trapped in this internal conflict for years, oscillating between self-loathing and acceptance. Some days, I wished for a pill to eliminate my Autism, while on others, I felt a deep connection to it and wouldn’t trade it for anything. This internal battle left me feeling fractured.
In 2018, everything came to a head. After making an error at work, my boss attributed it to my Autism. Though I disagreed, I accepted his assessment and promised to leave my Autism behind when I came to work. Unfortunately, this was an unrealistic expectation that led to a deep depression.
Then I discovered photography. I started with my phone and quickly transitioned to a DSLR camera. I excelled rapidly, and as I reflected on this, it became clear to me that my Autism played a crucial role in this success. It enabled me to hyper-focus, learn intensely, and imitate what I observed. Combined with my inherent determination, this unique blend fostered my achievements.
I ultimately realized that there is no separation between me and my Autism. They are intertwined, and I am who I am because of both. I didn’t simply “have” Autism; I am Autistic. This acceptance was liberating and significantly improved my mental health. Understanding my true self made a world of difference, allowing me to pursue incredible opportunities I never thought possible. However, I still remember the pain I experienced when I believed there was something inherently wrong with me. My neurodiversity never caused harm to anyone; my trauma, confusion, and anger stemming from my identity struggles were the real sources of pain for both myself and those around me.
This is my story, a reflection of my personal journey. Others will have their unique battles and paths. I hope that by sharing my experience, I can offer support to someone else on their own journey. If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this article on home insemination. For authoritative information on related topics, visit Intracervical Insemination and NICHD Pregnancy Resources.
Summary:
The author shares their journey of self-discovery following an Autism diagnosis at 32. Initially struggling with the concept of identity, they confront the internal conflict of separating themselves from Autism. Ultimately, they learn to embrace their neurodiversity as an integral part of who they are, leading to personal growth and improved mental health. This narrative serves as a reminder of the importance of acceptance and understanding one’s unique identity.