There are countless narratives glorifying motherhood — just take a scroll through social media, catch a few minutes of a TV show, or read a blog post, and you’ll encounter sentiments like, “Being your mama fills my life with endless joy,” or “You are my everything! Motherhood is the most rewarding experience!” or “I never knew true love until you arrived!”
From the moment my daughter entered the world, these idealized portrayals of motherhood made me feel profoundly out of place. I felt as if something was fundamentally wrong with me, leaving me isolated in my feelings. Because the truth is, I don’t love being a mom.
Throughout my life, I always envisioned myself as a mother. I adored children and spent my youth babysitting, teaching swimming, and even working as a camp counselor. I was the cousin and aunt who engaged with the little ones in our family, having a blast playing with them. The journey into motherhood seemed like a natural progression, leading me to even reconsider my career as a physician—wondering if my passion for children meant I should be a stay-at-home mom. Having kids felt like an obvious choice.
However, the reality hit me hard: I don’t find motherhood fulfilling or stimulating. Instead, it often feels monotonous, frustrating, and thankless. After my daughter was born, I waited for that blissful connection to hit me—the joy that everyone talked about. I made excuses for my lack of connection, convincing myself that it was just postpartum depression or that I was experiencing motherhood differently than others. “Of course she loves being a mom; her baby is easy! She’s just pretending!”
As the years rolled by and my postpartum depression eased, I came to terms with the fact that motherhood, even as my daughter became more manageable, still felt dull and frustrating. The cycle of preparing meals, cleaning, wiping faces, driving, and dealing with the inevitable crying and whining became a never-ending routine. The realization that I wasn’t experiencing the joy I had anticipated rocked me deeply.
I had no idea this would be my experience of motherhood until I lived it. Acknowledging this has led me to decide against having more children. When I see friends expecting their second or third child, I don’t feel a longing; instead, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of juggling more. My vibrant, smart daughter consumes all my energy, leaving me with none to spare.
To clarify, my nearly four-year-old daughter is remarkable and has a wonderful life. I assure you she is surrounded by love, not just from my husband and me but also from family and friends. We engage in activities together; we play games, read, watch movies, and enjoy outdoor adventures. We share cuddles and kisses, and she frequently declares me her best friend. I do not regret having her.
It’s a challenge, but I’m learning to accept that I may never be the type of mom who wants to homeschool her child or keep her home with me on my days off instead of sending her to daycare. This is my reality, and that’s perfectly fine. My work as a physician brings me happiness, and as an introvert, I crave solitude and quiet. I need time to recharge without a little one needing snacks or asking me endless questions. Perhaps the early years of parenting aren’t suited for me, and maybe my enjoyment of motherhood will grow as she matures. Or perhaps it won’t.
Expressing dissatisfaction with motherhood is often considered taboo, making it hard to find others who share similar feelings. If you’re a mom who doesn’t feel fulfilled, know that you’re not alone. Next time you hear someone extolling the joys of parenthood, and you feel guilty for not sharing that sentiment, remember that not everyone thrives in the role of parenting, and that doesn’t diminish your love for your child.
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In summary, motherhood is not the universally joyous experience that many depict it to be. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, bored, or disconnected. Each mother’s journey is unique, and recognizing that can bring some solace.