A few weeks ago, I organized a small, pandemic-safe birthday celebration for my daughter, who turned four. In an effort to bring some joy to what has been a challenging year for her and for all of us, I dedicated a lot of time and energy to planning the party. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and created a rather impressive (if slightly crooked) cake. She also wanted a piñata, which led me to scour the internet for DIY ideas, almost resulting in a serious kitchen accident while crafting one. I gathered princess-themed crafts, a bright pink princess dress, and an array of rather gaudy princess jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, my daughter seemed to enjoy herself. She was overjoyed with her dress, indulged in cake, and made sure her friends took home the least desirable jewelry. However, the most notable part of the day was how little attention she paid to me.
Going into the event, I didn’t expect any grand displays of gratitude from her—she is just four, after all, and still learning to express her appreciation. Yet, when she spent the entire party avoiding me, even running away when I tried to snap a photo or share a bite of cake, it stung a bit. After the party, as her friends departed, she dashed to her room to play with her new jewelry box—alone. In a moment of desperation, I asked my husband, “Do you think she enjoyed it?” He assured me, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.”
It’s worth noting that my daughter ignored my husband throughout the party too. It didn’t bother him at all, perhaps because he has a more instinctual understanding of child development, which I later learned about from Janet Lansbury. Young children, especially those in quarantine for nearly a year, can easily become overwhelmed. It’s understandable that she was preoccupied with the fun, friends, and sugar rush, rather than expressing gratitude toward me.
Ultimately, her lack of attention had little to do with my efforts or her opinion on the party but rather reflected her own experience and age. While I currently juggle being a stay-at-home mom who occasionally bakes and crafts, I spent a decade as a middle school English teacher. Like many educators, I often sought validation from others.
In my teaching career, I interacted with around 120 adolescents each year. Some liked me, others did not, but I often fixated on the critics. If a student or a parent was displeased, it would consume my thoughts. However, when I became a parent myself, my priorities shifted. Though I still found myself dwelling on small grievances, I started to peel away layers of my sensitivity.
After my daughter’s party, a friend texted me, sharing how much fun she had, even with the lopsided cake. Her compliment made me feel proud of my efforts. That’s when I had a realization: my daughter is just a child. She’s not my supervisor or the judge of my parenting skills. Why was I letting my perception of her feedback dictate my self-worth?
At the end of the day, I organized a memorable event for her. I cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even got my husband to help with the piñata after I nearly injured myself. I showed her love and care, which should be enough for me to go to bed feeling satisfied.
While it can be tempting to let my children’s unpredictable reactions dictate my self-assessment as a parent, that approach simply doesn’t serve me well. Just as I wouldn’t let a critical student determine my teaching effectiveness, I shouldn’t be swayed by my daughter’s fleeting opinions about our celebrations.
As my children grow, they will undoubtedly continue to share their thoughts—both positive and negative—about how my husband and I raise them. Although I value constructive feedback, it’s crucial to trust my instincts as a parent.
Now, as I prepare for my younger son’s second birthday, I feel empowered by the realization that I can focus less on external validation and more on what I know is best for my family. Whether he ends up with a petting zoo animal allergy or decides at the last minute that he wanted a pony cake instead of a construction-themed one, the love and effort I put into caring for him is what truly matters.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that my children’s reactions are not reflections of my parenting abilities. Understanding this has freed me to focus on what truly matters: the love and effort I invest in their lives.