Parenting
I’ll always remember the moment my daughter, Lily, shared her frustrations about a classmate, Maddie, from her fourth-grade class. “Mom, she’s so annoying!” she exclaimed.
“What’s bothering you?” I asked, feeling my protective instincts kick in.
“She just follows me around on the playground and sits with me at lunch!” she retorted, as if that would win me over to her side.
“Wait, you mean she wants to be your friend?” I replied, a bit taken aback.
In that instant, I understood I had a significant issue at hand. Right in the midst of my five children was a lively, confident, and pretty girl who was starting to display a dismissive attitude toward another child—one who, coincidentally, resembled my younger self. I was once a freckled, frizzy-haired Army brat, always seeking companionship from confident girls like Lily. This realization left me with a mix of sorrow and anger, but one thing was clear: it was time to take action.
The next morning, a clash of wills erupted at home. It wasn’t pretty, but I stood firm. Lily attended a private Catholic school, where she and her friends often dominated the social scene. A quick chat with Maddie’s mom that evening confirmed my worst suspicions: my daughter and her crew were resorting to subtle tactics to distance themselves from Maddie.
Some might argue I overreacted, but I truly believe that Lily’s behavior, marked by rejection and indifference toward Maddie, was a precursor to bullying. While there was no blatant meanness or name-calling, the complete disinterest displayed by Lily and her friends was concerning. In my experience, this kind of social dismissal is often where bullying begins, stemming from quick judgments about others who seem different.
I think it’s crucial for us as parents to have open discussions with our children about social dynamics—how social hierarchies function and what leads people to either accept or reject others. This phenomenon transcends age, background, and belief systems, rooted in our own insecurities. Everyone is vying for their place in the social order.
I believe we can make a real difference by addressing these issues head-on. We need to name the behavior, bring it into the light, and openly discuss it with our kids. As parents, we must confess that we’ve also experienced these social struggles. It’s tempting to gravitate towards those who seem more socially adept, but every person deserves kindness and respect. We must remind our children that everyone holds unique value to offer if we take the time to engage with them.
Simply telling your children to “be nice” isn’t enough. They often think that as long as they aren’t being overtly cruel, they’re being kind. We need to connect the dots for them, explaining the social instincts that often drive their actions. Trust me; they are capable of understanding this.
As for Lily, I told her she would need to invest some time in getting to know Maddie. She was tasked with returning home the next day with three interesting things about Maddie that she didn’t know before. My determined daughter was resistant, but I held my ground. I refused to take her to school until she agreed. At that moment, I had the keys to the car and the leverage. This standoff gave us the perfect opportunity to discuss the social dynamics at play. I used an analogy about social “bank accounts,” explaining how she could afford to “withdraw” kindness for Maddie without much risk to herself.
“Let’s make a positive investment!” I encouraged her.
Reluctantly, she got dressed and we headed to school. She ended up having a decent day, but still complained about how her friends’ mothers wouldn’t interfere in their social lives. However, she managed to share three new things about Maddie that surprised her.
Two weeks later, I followed up with Maddie’s mom. This step is essential—many parents overlook the importance of staying engaged in their children’s social lives while focusing on other areas like nutrition or academics. Maddie’s mom reassured me that Lily had welcomed her into their group and that she was thriving.
Years later, when Maddy’s family moved away, Lily was genuinely upset. They still maintain contact through social media, and Lily has come to appreciate the value that friendships with diverse people can bring.
Now, at 20, my daughter is a college sophomore with a wide array of friends. She embodies kindness, inclusivity, and openness. During her formative years, she learned that first impressions can be misleading and that unexpected friendships can yield rewarding experiences. Importantly, she also understands that treating people with respect is non-negotiable.
Parents, while your children will eventually learn to take care of themselves in many ways, it’s crucial to invest your efforts in teaching them how to interact positively within society. If we must be involved in our children’s lives, let’s focus on the right aspects.
In summary, raising children who are socially aware and kind is a vital endeavor. By addressing social dynamics openly and encouraging engagement with others, we can help combat bullying and promote inclusiveness.