As a child, I often felt anxious and uncertain, unaware that these emotions weren’t typical. I believed my feelings were my own fault. Years later, after undergoing extensive therapy and developing greater self-awareness, I began to connect these feelings to my relationship with my mother. This realization led me to confront what had always been a strained and uncomfortable relationship, one I thought should come naturally.
While the mother-daughter dynamic can be challenging for many, mine felt particularly tumultuous. In my 20s, as I embarked on my therapeutic journey, I began to recognize the dysfunction in our relationship. Faced with this reality, I made the difficult decision to cut my mother out of my life. This choice was incredibly challenging, especially during holidays and birthdays when feelings of guilt and sorrow overwhelmed me. I questioned if I was a terrible person for distancing myself from my own mother and wondered why others seemed to have such harmonious relationships with theirs.
Eventually, after considerable personal growth, I felt ready to re-establish contact with my mother. This time, however, I approached it with caution, setting clear boundaries and being mindful during our interactions. While reconnecting did alleviate some guilt and helped me feel somewhat “normal,” I soon realized that I was emotionally drained. Despite appearances, I found myself back in a state of hypervigilance—a feeling all too familiar from my childhood.
Last summer, during a family visit, I felt an overwhelming sense of entrapment. Unlike in my 20s, I now had a family that depended on me; I couldn’t afford to shut down emotionally. So, I made a stand: I ghosted my mother. Although it wasn’t easy, the relief I felt was profound. I released the pressure of trying to establish healthy boundaries and let go of the need for a relationship that was never going to fulfill my needs.
Though there are days of sadness regarding the absence of an emotionally supportive mother, I’ve largely accepted my decision. The grief stems from realizing the emotional unavailability I faced throughout my life, especially as I navigate motherhood myself. Dealing with a toxic relationship is not simple, and I’ve learned I’m no longer that confused child; I’m a responsible adult with my own family.
After that uncomfortable trip last summer, which evoked feelings of confusion and shame, I knew it was time to take action. I blocked her number, ignored her texts, un-friended her on social media, and stopped responding to gifts and cards.
Since making this choice, my self-esteem has soared. I’ve started a business with a close friend, returned to writing, and without my mother in my life, I feel liberated to embrace my authentic self. I recognize there’s ample space in the world for my intense emotions, unwavering loyalty, and creative sparks.
In concluding this chapter, I’ve discovered a sense of freedom that allows me to be my true self.
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Summary
This article discusses the author’s decision to cut ties with her mother to prioritize her family’s well-being. It details the emotional struggle she faced, the eventual realization of her need for distance, and the subsequent positive changes in her life. The author emphasizes the importance of self-care and personal growth, ultimately finding freedom and authenticity outside of a toxic relationship.