Lifestyle Insights
When I was preparing for marriage, the most frequent advice I received from seasoned wives was to remember that I should be my husband’s partner, not his caretaker. Having entered matrimony in my thirties after spending two years as a single mother, I was accustomed to managing everything alone, from household chores to parenting my child. Taking charge was second nature to me.
As a newlywed, I found myself tempted to slip into the role of caregiver for my husband. It would have been the easier route, given that he was a lifelong bachelor with habits that diverged significantly from mine. He preferred quick, frozen meals for dinner while I savored the art of home cooking. He washed laundry biweekly, while I tackled it as soon as a load was ready. With such stark differences in our routines, it was hard not to view my way as superior.
The urge to “mother” him was strong. After all, isn’t that part of a wife’s role? To nurture and care for the family? Yet, there’s a precarious distinction between caring for someone and taking over their responsibilities. In a partnership, both individuals are involved and supportive; when one takes over, it often leads to an imbalance where one person manages everything while the other passively follows.
Personally, I have no interest in sharing my life with someone who can’t fend for themselves. If I’m responsible for all the cooking, laundry, and childcare, I might as well take charge of my own needs too. The prospect of living with a “man-child” is off-putting, and I genuinely believe that my attraction to my husband would wane if I had to adopt a parental role towards him.
I entered marriage seeking an equal partner, not another dependent.
The dynamics of “parenting” your spouse can sometimes begin even before tying the knot. Planning our wedding provided a perfect opportunity for both my husband and me to learn to collaborate as equal partners. I didn’t bear the stress of organizing flowers, invitations, and catering alone; he was right there, sharing the load.
Even after we became husband and wife, we maintained that collaborative spirit. However, it’s worth noting my husband is an only child, which means he sometimes tends to wait for things to happen. For instance, when our daughter fell ill and was sick, he inquired if he could assist. With vomit on the floor and our daughter needing immediate care, I initially said no and let him sit down. Instead of reacting with frustration, I remembered advice from a friend who suggested clearly communicating my needs to my husband.
I called him back and asked for help cleaning up the mess, which he did without any complaints because HE IS NOT A CHILD.
Moreover, my husband is capable of managing his schedule, preparing meals for the family, and looking after our children independently. He knows how to shop for essentials, pick out work attire, and clean up after himself. While I’m always willing to assist if he asks, he is a grown man—my partner, and a father—who can handle responsibilities on his own as well.
It is not my role to micromanage my spouse.
Marriage is fundamentally about supporting each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves. We exchange advice occasionally, but that doesn’t equate to dictating each other’s actions. Individual autonomy remains vital within a marriage.
In conclusion, I can either embrace my role as my husband’s wife or his mother, but not both. And trust me, being a wife is infinitely more enjoyable.
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Summary
This article emphasizes the importance of maintaining a balanced partnership in marriage, avoiding the pitfalls of parenting one’s spouse. It highlights the need for mutual support and personal autonomy, reinforcing that a healthy relationship is built on equality and shared responsibilities.